


ethereal

by bambbo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, Depression, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Depression, Sex, Smut, Swearing, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-08-30 03:18:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16756651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bambbo/pseuds/bambbo
Summary: ➳ you always feared love, yet with him, he seemed to have taken those fears with a brave heart, and turned it into something beautiful. every moment spent with him felt like a dream. you just wish you hadn’t woken up so soon.





	1. foreword

**Author's Note:**

> Before reading Ethereal, I would like to address that this story will be different compared to most fanfictions. I have been planning this story for probably the longest time, I have come up with many types of conflicts and scenes, and so I want to be able to put all of them in order to fit the storyline. To go more in depth, this story will not be relating to just one sole conflict like most stories. This story will have multiple conflicts, and when one is solved, another will pop up. Think of it as a TV Series in which each episode is relating to a different conflict each time. This series will be long, but not as long as a normal novella/story. Each chapter will be over 20+ pages via Google Doc, so they will be more lengthy than the normal chapter. Ethereal will only have at least 6, maybe more chapters depending on the situation. However, I hope you will all enjoy this story and the things I have planned for it!
> 
> Thank you for taking the time in reading this, and happy reading!

**Ethereal**

e•the•re•al | adjective | əˈTHirēəl

Definition:

_Extremely delicate and light in a way that seems too perfect for this world._

 

__

 

Copyright © 2018 by bambbo

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

This story is an AU(Alternate Universe), meaning that the characters used are not an actual representation of their real counterparts, I am only using their physical appearances to create new characters. I do not own NCT nor do I own any of the other idols used in this fictional story. Any fictional characters used in this story are merely characters I have created and any character and/or plot resemblances to other stories are purely coincidental.


	2. one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You had worked so hard to keep yourself at bay from the dangers that love had offered. Traumatized by the past, you kept your heart under lock and key. Meeting him, everything you worked for came crumbling down, leaving you in a mess of emotions and confusion.

You were never the type to fall in love.

 

Let alone, you thought the idea of "love" seemed unrealistic.

 

How someone could look at another in the eye, and conclude, that is who they are destined to be with. You were one of the few people to be aware of the fact that love was never really forever.

 

It was something you saw as temporary. Something that'd only last for a limited amount of time.

 

You never went through the flutters of butterflies swarming in your stomach, or the warm, fuzzy feeling that hugged your heart welcomely.

 

You never felt a single flush in your cheeks when looking at someone, and you never felt the chills run down your spine just by having someone touch you.

 

People would make it seem like you weren't living, or that you were dull and boring.

 

True, you thought of yourself as someone unique, but you didn't seem to mind.

 

Maybe it was listening to your friends ramble over the dreamy features of their boyfriend they'd been with for a month, or maybe listening to them cry into your bed sheet blankets when they broke up after that month, then get back together that same week.

 

You couldn't put your finger on it, but "love" wasn't really your thing.

 

Then again, you hadn't ever  _been_ in love.

 

You had your reasons to keep your heart under lock and key.

 

Reasons for you to deny all those boys who'd confess to you in the empty field at school.

 

As you grew up, you had slowly built a wall around your heart without even realizing it; so when  _he_ came into your life unexpectedly, you weren't sure what to feel, let alone what to understand.

 

He came as an unwelcome guest and made himself a home in the heart you had tried so hard to protect.

 

He broke your walls, and you let him, because nothing excited you more than the adventure he brought with his abrupt invitation.

 

It was the summer after high school; you had thrown your cap and tucked your gown away into the deepest corner of your closet, never to be seen again.

 

Your best friend, Johnny had invited you over to his house along with some friends for a party; a tiny "celebration" of graduation, and to a life of adulthood and responsibilities.

 

You were never the type to really go out to parties, instead; you were the type to find yourself in a tiny cafe with your nose buried in some book.

 

With enough persistence coming from Johnny however, you had found yourself in your beat-up car, parking in front of his house.

 

You took a deep breath, praying that this wasn't one of Johnny's traps into luring you into a party by making you expect it's just a "get together" like he always says.

 

You walked towards the door, knocking on it gently before burying your hands in the pockets of your thin jacket.

 

After a short moment of lonely silence, the door swung open, and you were greeted by Johnny's sweet, welcoming smile.

 

"Finally, I thought you'd never make it! Come in, we were about to play some music, it was getting quiet." Johnny said, moving over so you could get through.

 

You walked inside with a slight hesitation, watching with an arched brow to see that the house was still intact, no loud booming music, no empty red cups scattered on the floor, and no one hurling their guts out into a plant.

 

You turned to face Johnny, and let out a tiny, airy laugh.

 

"So you really meant it when you said it'd be a get together." You said in disbelief, continuing to look around his home.

 

Johnny walked towards you, gasping as he brought his hand to his chest, clutching onto his tee shirt tightly. "I'm insulted to think  _you_ of all people would truly believe I'm that much of a party animal." He said before you elbowed his side, causing him to cackle in response.

 

"Normally I would, but I decided today would be something small with people I care about." He explained, and you couldn't help but pout your lip, then grinning like an absolute fool.

 

"I'm honored you consider me as one of  _Johnny Seo's_  closest friends!" You said as you wiped away a fake tear.

 

He rolled his eyes, but still chuckled.

 

"Whatever, anyway, everyone is in the living room so make yourself comfortable. You want anything to drink?" He offered as you made your way to the said room.

 

"No, I'm okay." You said with a polite smile, waving him off, as Johnny tsked under his breath.

 

"You look like you need a beer. I'm gonna get you a beer." He said, and before you could protest, Johnny was already gone.

 

You sighed, scoffing under your breath before seeing a couple of people sitting in scattered seats throughout the living room.

 

Some faces seemed familiar, so you were washed with a sense of relief with that.

 

"Hey, we thought something came up! Why d'you show up so late?!" A voice spoke up, and you turned to face the person who it belonged to, and quickly smiled to see it was a good friend.

 

"Ten! What are you doing here? You know Johnny?" You questioned, tilting your head in confusion when you saw Ten fall into a fit of laughter, coming towards you and pulled you in a quick hug.

 

"Oh, he didn't tell you? Johnny and I are dating!" With that, your eyes widened in surprise, left entirely speechless. Ten continued to laugh after seeing your expression, reaching over to grip your shoulders gently.

 

"I would love to tell you how it came to be, but I'll save that for  _Johnny_ to explain. Now come on, you should meet everyone else." He said with a grin, grabbing you by the hand and guided you around the coffee table as you two sat down on the couch.

 

The rest of the time at the party was spent with you talking to Ten and Johnny, talking about your most favorite moments of highschool.

 

Moments that went from you sneaking out late at night when Johnny had a car to go to who-knows-where, to all the signs you missed throughout your highschool life of a flustered "emo-phased" Johnny around a red-haired, "emo-phased" Ten.

 

It was nice to sit down and reminisce with your close friends and even make some new ones.

 

There was Taeyong who you knew once around junior year, and it surprised you to see him. He was one of the few people where you experienced a real life "puberty hitting you like a truck."

 

You were shocked, thinking you were meeting a stranger at first, how he went from this chubby kid in school, to a total stud.

 

Then, there was also Jungwoo, a cute kid since the beginning, everyone wanted to date him, and although he was always known to have such a baby-face, the boy was a complete flirt.

 

There had been so many familiar faces you never thought you'd become friends with, so it was nice to get to know them.

 

Yet if there was one face you wanted to know about the most, was the one who sat outside, past the glass door, smiling and laughing with others.

 

He was someone you had never seen around your school.

 

Never had you remembered having a class with him, or even a sparing glance through the busy halls.

 

He was a complete stranger to you, so you couldn't help to wonder, and to let that curiosity eat away at you the longer you studied him.

 

"That's Jaehyun." A voice broke your moment of silence, sending you to jump slightly and turn to see who it belonged to, and sighed in relief to see it was none other than Johnny.

 

"What?" You asked, pretending to be oblivious to the situation that was unraveling.

 

"That guy you keep making  _goo-goo_  eyes at you idiot." Johnny snickered, wiggling his eyebrows to tease at you as your cheeks had quickly flushed in response, then punching him on his arm.

 

"Shut up, I wasn't making 'goo-goo eyes' at him, I was just—" You stopped, unsure of what to even say.

 

"See! I knew it! You ran out of snarky things to say, so you  _must_ be guilty!" Johnny clapped, falling into a fit of laughter as you cleared your throat, turning to face away from him, only for your eyes to land back at the boy outside.

 

"I-I'm just curious... I've never seen him. You said his name is Jaehyun?" You asked, all playfulness aside, voice was filled with seriousness and pure interest.

 

"Yeah. I met him through Taeyong my senior year. He didn't come to our school until the last semester, but I met him over the summer. We've been good friends since then." Johnny explained with a huff, walking towards your side to look over at him, watching the smiling boy known as Jaehyun continue on with his conversation.

 

"He's an... interesting person. Still, he has a good heart. You should talk to him! Who knows, maybe you can  _finally_ date now that highschool is over." His words rung in your ears...

 

 _Dating_.

 

It wasn't something you wanted to do in a long time.

 

You wanted to focus in school, get good grades, and get into the college of your dreams.

 

Now that you graduated, and now that you finally  _got_  into your dream school, you really couldn't think of any more excuses not to date.

 

But still—you had a fear that burned deep inside your heart, that each time you would sense even the faintest flutter of butterflies that threatened to creep in your stomach, you'd cower in fear, and run off without saying a single word.

 

You had your reasons for keeping yourself far from falling in love, reasons that Johnny didn't even know about, and you intended to keep it that way until you were considered ready.

 

This wasn't one of those moments.

 

"I-I can't. I... I don't even know the guy!" You managed to lie through your teeth, refusing to even dare to tell him the true reason.

 

Each time you spoke, you found yourself looking back towards the glass door, staring at the man, sighing as your brows furrowed, and for the first time in your life, you felt... frustrated—over a guy.

 

Johnny rolled his eyes, scoffing before looking over at you with wide eyes filled with disbelief.

 

"That's why you  _talk_ to him you dummy! Come on, why won't you get out more often? Aren't you sick of being single?! Take risks!" You huffed at Johnny's words. You knew he was more than right. Sooner or later you were bound to fall in love, but not like this.

 

Not now.

 

You weren't ready; you were far from it!

 

You didn't want to be in a rush, and you didn't want to even think about it.

 

You looked over at Johnny, cursing under your breath and shook your head.

 

"That's up for me to decide! There are just some things you can't understand, and things I can't really tell you about! Johnny I can't, I—" You stopped mid-sentence as the glass door slid open, as the man himself came walking back inside with a polite smile plastered on his face.

 

You watched him with wide eyes, already feeling the faint blush radiate through your cheeks. Johnny cleared his throat, and when you turned to face him, saw him wiggle his eyebrows at you, then winked with a mischievous grin.

 

You guffawed at his expression, and before you could give him a chance to speak, you hurried away from him, and hid somewhere in the kitchen, far away from everyone, and especially far away from  _him_.

 

You took a deep breath, leaning against the counter as you could hear the muffled voices coming from the living room.

 

You turned your head towards that direction, a sad look in your eye before you cleared your throat, shaking your head and walked towards the fridge in attempts to find a small beer.

 

Lucky for you, there seemed to be two more bottles left, so you grabbed both—you know—just in case.

 

You popped open the bottle, and took a quick slug, closing your eyes in content as you gulped down the cool, bitter liquid that trickled down your throat.

 

It was silent in the kitchen, and it also gave you some time to think.

 

Ever since you were a child, a part of you seemed to have shut down completely.

 

You refused to show emotion.

 

You became someone who was known as dull, quiet, and cold. You were reserved, and kept every emotion you ever felt to yourself. You'd bottle your emotions up till you felt as if you were about to explode.

 

You never showed sadness, you never showed weakness.

 

You didn't want people to sympathize you, looking at you with eyes filled with pity.

 

You wanted no part, so you ignored everything that happened around you.

 

Slowly, your heart was placed in a cage you had kept to yourself, throwing away the key, and hope it'll never be found.

 

When you met Johnny around your freshman year of high school, he was the one that taught you to be more vulnerable with the people you felt closest to.

 

True, you were more than grateful to him, because he showed you that the world isn't always so dark, and that not everyone will leave you—but still, to this day, a little piece of you continued to fear just that.

 

Maybe the world really was against you.

 

Maybe you had every right to be scared, because just maybe, the things that happened in the past, will happen again.

 

Your cheeks puffed up in frustration, you brought the bottle to your lips, ready to take a sip, and that was when your thoughts were interrupted, as a voice had spoken up abruptly.

 

"You shouldn't be alone while everyone is over there having a good time." His voice was deep and husky, a voice unfamiliar to your ears.

 

You gasped, startled, turning around as you looked at the person who the voice belonged to.

 

Your eyes widened slightly when you saw who it was.

 

"U-Uh... Jaehyun, right?" You asked nervously, clearing your throat as you placed down your beer in attempts to compose yourself.

 

You heard him laugh, and when you looked up, you saw his dimples pop out of his cheeks as his smile widened.

 

"Yeah. How d'you know?" He asked, walking closer towards you, only for you to take a short step back in response.

 

"I-Um..." You coughed, turning away from him as you stared down at the counter, shutting your eyes in embarrassment before taking a deep breath, and turned back to face him.

 

"It's a small get together, and Johnny likes to keep me informed who is who." You excused, and tried to forget about how Johnny had caught you staring at Jaehyun, and that was something you couldn't dare bring yourself to tell.

 

He clicked his tongue in response, nodding his head as he tilted his head, leaning against the counter as he stood just a couple of feet away from you.

 

"I see... Sorry I couldn't properly introduce myself." Jaehyun apologized, alarming you in the process as you watched him with confusion before muttering out a quick, "It's okay."

 

It fell silent for a moment, unsure of what to do, let alone what to say, and although every bit of you told you to just run away, your feet remained rooted to the ground.

 

"I haven't seen you around, a friend of Johnny's I'm assuming? Considering you're at  _his_ house and all." He said with a tiny laugh as you could force a smile before nodding.

 

"That's cool. He's a cool guy, but I can't say I'm his 'friend'. An acquaintance maybe?" You were silent; you didn't understand why he was here talking to you, and how he could make himself so comfortable so fast.

 

You were astonished if you had to be honest, but still, confused no doubt.

 

As if he read your exact mind, Jaehyun breathed out a small, awkward laugh as he scratched the back of his neck.

 

You watched as his eyes disappeared into tiny crescent shapes, his little eye smile standing out as his cheeks puffed with it.

 

You couldn't help to smile at the sight.

 

"Sorry... I'm probably creeping you out. I-I wanted to get a drink, and I saw you here all alone. Thought you could use a friend so you didn't feel so left out." He excused, and you tilted your head, brows furrowing before reaching back for your bottle, staring down at the liquid that sloshed around.

 

"This is the first time we met, yet we're already friends?" You stated, rather mischievously at that, and you couldn't hide the tiny grin that itched the corner of your lips as you looked over at him, watching Jaehyun grow back to a flustered mess.

 

"I-I mean! I thought... you could... y'know—not be alone?" He asked, and with that, you fell into a fit of laughter.

 

"I'm just teasing. It's nice to meet you Jaehyun. I'm Y/N." You extended your hand towards him as you introduced yourself, a warm smile that never ceased to falter away from your lips.

 

He looked at you, then down towards your hand before releasing a same smile, and reached over towards your hand, shaking it gently.

 

You stared down at your hands, and immediately you think just how warm his hands were compared to your cold ones.

 

How big they seemed and how tiny yours looked in comparison.

 

Yet, the thought itched at you the most when you looked, was how you had to think how perfect his hand had fit into yours.

 

Your heart jumped, panic quickly seeping through your bones as you were quick to remove your hand, wiping your palm against your jeans from the already cold sweat that formed.

 

"So, Y/N, why  _are_  you here alone? Are parties just... not your thing?" He asked as he looked down at the unopened beer bottle you took out recently, grabbing it as he then looked at you as if asking for permission.

 

You scoffed slightly, but nodded your head and smiled as he then popped off the cap and took a sip. "I... guess you can say that." You said as you sat yourself down against the counter, seeing you looked taller than Jaehyun at that moment.

 

"Hm... why's that?" Jaehyun asked and again did you get lost in thought.

 

All those times in high school, seeing how different you and Johnny were compared to each other.

 

He was a party animal, trying to lure you out of your house by offering to buy you ice cream, and each time he'd take you to a party, would always end with you crying as he drove you back home because you were too scared by all the drunk teens that surrounded you.

 

Your cheeks flushed in embarrassment, looking over at Jaehyun, you released a nervous laugh.

 

"I don't know. I think a quiet night, cuddled up in bed with a book sounds a lot more fun than getting wasted and puking your guts out in someone else's bathroom." You laughed, remembering all the times when you'd be the one driving back home, because Johnny was too wasted to even think straight.

 

Sometimes it wasn't even him though, sometimes you'd be driving a whole truck of drunk teens!

 

Thinking back, you could see why your friends said you had mother-like traits.

 

You smiled at the memories.

 

"I think I can relate. Most of the time I spend my days at home, doing whatever the hell I want. Better than being the only sober one at a party because you're the only 'responsible' one out of your entire friend group." He said with a laugh, and you seemed to laugh alongside, knowing the feeling all too well.

 

"How about you, hm? If you're not that close to Johnny, why are you here? This party is strictly reserved for close friends only y'know." You said with a wink, teasing Jaehyun as he shook his head and grinned widely, then taking another sip from his beer.

 

"I may not be close to him, but Taeyong is. And he's my best friend, so wherever he goes, I go." He explained, as you tilted your head and giggled.

 

"Aww, how cute!" You said in the same mischief that followed your smile. You watched Jaehyun roll his eyes, walking closer towards you and sat right next to you on the empty counter.

 

Your shoulders touched, and when you turned your head to face him, you were quick to notice how your faces were just inches away from each other.

 

You blushed, turning away quickly and stared down at your fingers that fumbled with the almost empty beer bottle.

 

"I know I said I'm not close to Johnny, but he was one of the few people who accepted me into a friend group when I first came here. I may not be best friends with him, but he is someone who I value a lot. He's a great person." You smiled at the sentence, nodding your head.

 

Sure, you two had been talking about Johnny quite a lot, but given you  _were_  at his house, and it seemed to be the only thing you two had in common, you were still happy you could relate with something to someone you had just met.

 

It made you feel more comfortable around him.

 

"Yeah..." You mumbled under your breath, releasing a tiny sigh as you then gulped down the remains of your beer.

 

From the corner of your eye, you could see Jaehyun as he stared you down, and perhaps it was because your eyes were half closed, but you could've sworn, you saw a tiny smile decorate his thin lips.

 

"Anyway, enough talk about Johnny. What about you, hm?" He spoke out of the blue, tapping his fingers against the glass bottle as you heard the tiny ' _clinks_ ' echo throughout the empty kitchen.

 

"What about me?" You asked, leaning forward as you rested one elbow against your lap, then resting your chin against your palm as you turned to face Jaehyun once more, this time it seemed easier, as you placed a somewhat distance between you two.

 

"I don't know. Tell me something about yourself. What's your favorite thing to do? Favorite movie? Things like that." He said with a grin.

 

Your brows furrowed, breathing out a tiny laugh and shook your head as you sat up straight, stretching your limbs.

 

"What, are we playing a game of 20 Questions now?" You said with a chuckle, earning a laugh from Jaehyun.

 

"Sure, why not? Faster way to get to know each other." He said as he looked into your eyes, as if he was studying every single feature about you, and as if he was trying to memorize each piece of you before he closed his eyes.

 

You smiled, feeling a tiny warmth radiate around your heart as you reciprocated with the same look, staring at him from his mesmerizing eyes, to thin lips that'd curve into a smile, and those dimples you grew quickly familiar with on each side of his cheeks.

 

"Alright."

 

That was how the rest of your night was spent.

 

Question after question, you didn't expect to learn so much about Jaehyun.

 

You never expected for you to say so much about yourself. It was the most you allowed someone to get to know you in years.

 

You were always the reserved girl who'd sit in the classroom's corner, staring off into the window, daydreaming rather than paying attention in class.

 

Soon enough, you both ran out of questions to ask, and left the kitchen and sneak out of the house without being seen by anyone, just for the hell of it.

 

When you two had successfully made it out of the house without being seen, you walked until you had found a park around Johnny's neighborhood.

 

The moon was out, and stars decorated the night sky.

 

The park was entirely empty except for a passerby or two, so you two made a quick beeline towards the playground.

 

At first you both were messing around with the slides, pushing each other down and laughing like children as you'd mess with him from the merry-go-rounds and even trying to squeeze into a seesaw.

 

When you both seemed tired enough, you settled down on the empty field close to the playground, and stared up into the sky, just you two, lying down in comfortable silence as you'd count the stars to yourself.

 

You listened to each other's breaths; you turned your head, expecting to see Jaehyun just staring up into the stars, yet you were quickly startled when you were met with his own eyes looking straight at you. Your face instantly flushed, and the silent comfort was slowly fading.

 

"W-What?" You stuttered quietly, one hand resting on your stomach, the other touching the dewy grass below you.

 

"Nothing. It's just..." Jaehyun whispered, shaking his head as you watched his hand come up to your face, inching closer until you could feel his cool fingertips brush against your flushing skin.

 

Your heart was pounding against your chest, staring at him with droopy, dream-like eyes.

 

Nervous for what were to come next, your mind going through a tsunami of emotions, you stayed frozen.

 

"Jaehyun..." You whispered gently, but before you could muster anything else, you felt a sharp pain against your forehead, snapping you back into reality when you heard Jaehyun burst into fits of laughter.

 

"You had something on your face, I couldn't help myself!" He said in between laughs.

 

You groaned, sitting up as you rubbed your forehead, then having both your hands cup your cheeks as you felt your face burn up entirely.

 

Your eyes were wide—what were you even thinking?!

 

What did you expect for him to do?

 

Did you honestly expected for him to kiss you?

 

Your mind rushed with questions, you hadn't realized your breath become shaky, panic rushing through your body, you looked over at Jaehyun.

 

He met your eyes, and instantly his smile fell, and shot straight up, placing himself in front of you as he sat on his knees.

 

"Hey, a-are you okay?" He asked, voice filled with concern and panic, you watched him reach his hands towards you, and immediately you fell back, scooting yourself away from him as you could feel your face burning up with each second that passed by.

 

You looked down at your hands, seeing them pulling onto the grass, dirt digging deep into your nails in attempts to calm yourself down.

 

You looked back up to meet Jaehyun's eyes, watching his lips move with each second, yet the only sound audible in your ears seemed to be your heavy breathing.

 

You didn't know what to feel.

 

You were in a state of absolute shock.

 

When you looked at Jaehyun, you had felt disappointed.

 

Not in him—but in yourself.

 

You tried so hard to protect your heart from the dangers of love, and although you never felt it, you didn't want to.

 

Even just thinking, you knew love wasn't forever, and that's what scared you the most. So, your mind rewound the scene unfold over and over, and thought of the "what if's."

 

What if Jaehyun really kissed you?

 

Would you let him?

 

Why did you close your eyes as if you were waiting for something?

 

_Did you want him to kiss you?_

 

You shook your head, and without a second thought, you got up from where you sat.

 

Turning your back away from Jaehyun as you cleared your throat, hugging yourself tightly.

 

Out of all things that were happening the last thing you wanted Jaehyun to see was that you were  _weak_.

 

For him to see you so worked up over something so small.

 

"I'm sorry... I... I have to go." You said in hushed tones, and before you could dare give him a chance to protest, you ran as fast as your legs could carry you.

 

Overwhelmed with emotions, you couldn't get the image out of your head.

 

How his eyes glistened under the moonlight, how his lips would curve into a tiny smile each time he'd look at you.

 

You had barely met, yet he looked at you as if he's known you his entire life!

 

It felt like he was reading you like an open book when you worked so hard on keeping yourself locked away.

 

You hated how easy he could read you, and how you let him to. He was nothing more but a stranger in your eyes.

 

Just meeting him today, and how much he has already gotten to know you in as little as an hour. You didn't realize how you've given him every opportunity to know you so well in such little time.

 

You saw your car in the distance, quickly taking out your keys, you opened the door, turned on the ignition, and drove off into the empty streets.

 

Your mind was throbbing in pain. You wanted to go home, take off all your makeup and cuddle up into a warm blanket and sleep for hours.

 

You wanted to forget about everything that happened tonight.

 

You knew you shouldn't have come, and yet you still did.

 

You weren't sure if you regretted it or not.

 

Once you got home, you curled your lips and sighed at the sight of your father spread out on the couch, drunk out of his mind.

 

You quickly shoved him to his side in case something happened whilst asleep.

 

You walked up to your room, threw off your shoes, changed into a comfortable set of pajamas and quickly fell into bed.

 

The lights were off, except for one tiny lamp you kept by your bedside.

 

You rested your back against the soft mattress, gripping onto the silky sheets as you stared up at the ceiling. You breathed a heavy sigh, and finally you felt more calm.

 

You shut your eyes, hoping to fall asleep, but each time you'd try to find comfort, Jaehyun would always pop up in your head. You scoffed, opening your eyes in defeat.

 

You hated it; you hated all of it.

 

How you let this one guy get to you so fast.

 

How he already had this much power over you, and he didn't even know it!

 

"What's  _wrong_ with me?!" You shouted at yourself, flipping over to your stomach as you buried your face into your pillow, and screamed loudly against it.

 

Once your little "tantrum" was over, you heard your phone ding.

 

You arched a brow, crawling towards it as it was rested nicely against your nightstand. You hadn't realized how late it was until you read the clock.

 

1:17 AM.

 

When you looked below the time, you saw a tiny message notification, opening it quickly and instantly rolled your eyes to see the contact.

 

 

_**[ johndick ]** _

hey, is everything alright? did you make it home safely?

 

 

You stared at the text, unsure whether or not to answer.

 

You heaved a sigh when you heard the loud snores of your father, and you couldn't help feel a sense of pity each time you saw him in this kind of condition.

 

As a child, your parents would always fight constantly.

 

Throughout your entire life, you had been so used to seeing them scream and shout. It was one of the main reasons you always thought of "love" to be a strange, rare thing.

 

Never would you recollect your parents showing a sense of remorse or even a drop of care for each other.

 

Everyday they were on each other's throats, screaming and shouting at each other. When you turned fourteen was when the divorce had happened, and it left you with the option on which parent you wanted to be with.

 

You remember how they'd bribe you all the time, trying to gain your love and loyalty for them.

 

You didn't care.

 

Sure, you appreciated the gifts they'd spoil you with, but it never really mattered to you.

 

Most knew of the divorce of your parents. Johnny was the first person you seemed to have been open about it to.

 

Since then you could remember family members and friends look at you, eyes filled with pity. Wondering what will happen to the girl with the broken family.

 

It was why you kept yourself reserved. Why you refused to show emotion, and why you refused to show  _weakness._

 

You rolled your eyes, thinking about the entire situation having to be stupid.

 

You had to grow up rather quickly to provide for yourself ever since your father had turned to alcohol and cigarettes for a last resort.

 

He worked for hours on end, struggling day by day to make sure you had a roof over your head, and food on your plate.

 

The second you turned sixteen, you'd beat yourself up, trying to apply for whatever job you could get your hands on.

 

That had to be one of the biggest reasons you also craved to be seen as strong, and refused to be seen as the weakling most people would assume you'd be solely because of your drunkard father, thinking you'd probably follow in the same footsteps as he.

 

Yet you admired your father.

 

He was strong and hardworking, so seeing him drink his troubles away, you only wanted to help him, because seeing your father drink till his demons came out, it broke your heart.

 

Your phone dinged, pulling you back into reality as you shook your head at the thought, looking down at your phone, you breathed out a small laugh at the text.

 

 

_**[ johndick ]** _

did you die or smth???

i know you're always on your phone until like 5 AM so you better answer.

 

_**[ me ]** _

stop pestering me you literal parasite

yes i made it home safely

_**[ johndick ]** _

okay good, now on some serious terms

what went on between you and jaehyun?? he said to ask if you were okay.

he also said you left in a rush. everything okay Y/N?

 

 

You frowned, being taken back to the entire situation that happened recently.

 

You cringed at the thought, knowing how pathetic it seemed when you ran away.

 

Yet when you remembered the chills that dangerously ran down your spine, and the fear that crept upon the goosebumps you felt with his magnetic touch, you didn't find yourself with another option.

 

You ran, because you didn't want to know what would happen.

 

You didn't want to find out what'd happen if you told him why you panicked.

 

All because you thought he would kiss you.

You weren't willing to risk the humiliation, and you didn't want to risk opening a door for Jaehyun to go straight to your heart.

 

 

_**[ johndick ]** _

he seemed worried Y/N, and so am i.

... you still there?

_**[ me ]** _

yeah.

can i be honest with you?

_**[ johndick ]** _

go ahead.

_**[ me ]** _

are you afraid to fall in love?

like... aren't you afraid that ten will leave you someday?

or you, him?

what if everything isn't forever?

what if love... isn't forever?

 

 

You didn't understand where you were going with this, but when you felt the tears that pricked the corner of your eyes, you bit the inside of your cheek in attempts to choke them down.

 

Why were you so afraid of love?

 

You hated it.

 

You hated not being able to feel that warm fuzzy feeling, or feeling the butterflies dance in your stomach.

 

You hated feeling so empty when someone would look at you as if you were their entire world.

 

You hated it all.

 

You hated not to feel love.

 

You hated being so afraid of it.

 

You couldn't help it.

 

It wasn't your fault.

 

No one blames you.

 

That's what they all say, right?

 

They all blame others, yet never you.

 

You were innocent.

 

You were just a child.

 

You closed your eyes, feeling the warm tears trickle down your cheek, and falling against your bed sheets. You took a deep breath, and immediately you had thought of Jaehyun.

 

He was innocent.

 

He knew nothing.

 

He didn't know what you were so afraid of, and he surely didn't know what you had felt towards him.

 

You had just met, and you hated the fact you had felt so comfortable so fast to a total stranger. Playing twenty questions was never enough for you, so why was it enough with him?

 

What made him so special that made you feel that everything might be okay in the world?

 

You couldn't get the image of him out of your head.

 

How his eyes would puff up and curve into crescents, how his nose would crinkle ever so slightly, and those damn dimples that'd pop each time his thin lips would smile.

 

How his laugh sounded as bright as the sun, and as beautiful as the birds singing their morning tune.

 

Just the image of Jaehyun himself, he seemed like this perfect human being.

 

Not a single inch of bad found in his bones, and although it was still too soon to even see the bad side about him, you already knew with the amount of passion he spoke about things he loved, that he couldn't be bad.

 

So what was wrong with you?

 

Why were you so afraid to fall?

 

Surely, with Jaehyun—it'd be okay... right?

 

You heard a knock on the door, causing you to jump where you lied in bed. Your brows furrowed, listening to your phone suddenly ding, you reached for it and stared at the text before letting out a tiny laugh.

 

 

_**[ johndick ]** _

open up already, i'm scared people will think i'm breaking in or smth

 

 

You rolled your eyes, but were quick on your feet as you rushed down the stairs, opening the door with wide eyes.

 

"Are you crazy?! What are you doing here? You know how my dad gets every Friday!" You whispered/yelled at Johnny, hitting him on his chest as he chuckled, and put his hands up in defense.

 

"You sounded sad, and I thought you needed a friend." He excused, catching you completely off guard as your mouth was agape.

 

A sigh escaped your lips, nodding your head as your lips curved in a tiny smile.

 

"You're too good to me." You said in defeat.

 

"Oh, I know. What would you do without the great  _Johnny Seo?"_  He said as he crossed his arms, you scoffed but laughed afterwards.

 

"Whatever, just be quiet and go up to the roof. You know the way." You directed him, as Johnny smiled, walking past you and up the stairs where your room was waiting with an open window.

 

Ever since you two had become the best of friends, there was always a time in which one of you two would get in a rough situation.

 

You had always been there for each other through hard times, and if there was one place you two would always talk, it'd be the roof.

 

You followed behind Johnny, crawling out of the window and greeted by the midnight sky.

 

You looked over to see Johnny who had already sat down and made himself comfortable on the roof. You walked towards him, sitting next to Johnny as it remained silent for a moment.

 

"So... mind telling me what that text was about?" He asked, addressing to the elephant in the room, as you were taken back to your short moment of pouring emotions not long ago.

 

You bit the inside of your cheek, hesitant at first, you stared ahead at the empty streets below you, and finally, you spoke.

 

"Don't you ever think love is a scary thing?" You said in whispers as you could hear Johnny sigh.

 

"I mean... I guess. Sometimes, when me and Ten fight, each time I wonder if that'll be the end of us..." He said, causing you to turn to face him, as Johnny lied on his back, staring at the sky.

 

"Love can be scary, but... when I'm with him, it doesn't seem that bad. I trust Ten, and I love him, and he's the same, and sure enough, all those fears I feel, they... go away." His words echoed in your ears.

 

You didn't know how long they had been dating, considering the fact that 1) You never asked Johnny about his love-life, and 2) It had been a while since you ever had a heart-to-heart conversation with him.

 

Yet, hearing that they do fight, you heaved a sigh, memories of your parents long ago, and how each day was filled with venomous words being thrown at the other.

 

You couldn't imagine that with someone else. Someone you loved and cared for.

 

"You truly love him, don't you?" You asked with a sad smile, bringing your knees up to your chest as you hugged yourself tightly.

 

"Shit... I love him to death. There's not a single thing I'd do for him. Which leaves me with one thing to ask you..." Johnny sat up, turning his head so he was looking at you, however at first you refused to look at him, but gave up and turned to face him.

 

"Why are  _you_ so afraid of falling?"

 

With that, it left you speechless. It was already known to Johnny that you never dated. How he'd try to hook you up with some random dude, or when he'd stalk you from the distance as you were being confessed to.

 

He knew you too well, and for once, you were happy about that.

 

You bit your bottom lip, unsure to answer his question or not, so you remained in silence, and hugged yourself tighter.

 

"You don't have to tell me, but I think you should give Jaehyun a chance." There it was.

 

The golden word that started this entire thing.

 

Jaehyun.

 

The boy you had just met, and the boy with the mesmerizing smile, and intoxicating presence. You continued to stay to your short vow of silence.

 

Johnny clicked his tongue, nodding his head as he leaned back until his back was pressed against the roof.

 

"I know you Y/N, and I know Jaehyun. I know you guys barely met, but I can tell that he really likes you—and you him. Even if you don't want to admit it." Your eyes shot wide open, head snapping towards Johnny as you could feel your cheeks instantly burn up.

 

"I don't like him. I don't even know him..." You spoke, and instantly, Johnny fell into a fit of short laughter.

 

"Who are you kidding Y/N? Sure there's still a lot more you need to learn about him—but I saw you two talk in the kitchen, and when you guys sneaked out of the party." You gasped slightly in surprise as you kept your eyes glued towards Johnny.

 

"You're such a shy, reserved girl, and you wouldn't even  _dream_ of doing any of those things you did today with  _anyone_. But you did... and with Jaehyun." His words processed in your head, and you knew you couldn't deny even an inch of what he said.

 

Johnny was right, and you had to acknowledge it.

 

"Y'know, it's kind of annoying when you're right." You pouted, looking back in front of you as a car passed by the two of you.

 

"It's a blessing and a curse." Johnny said with a sigh, earning a laugh from you both.

 

"I'll tell you what, I'll give you Jaehyun's number, and maybe you guys can sort this out yourselves." Johnny said as you faced him, shaking your head repeatedly.

 

Talking to Jaehyun and explaining everything that happened, and how you felt towards him—it was the last thing you wanted to do.

 

Johnny laughed, scooting closer towards you as he took out his phone, pulling out his contacts and pressed onto Jaehyun's.

 

"You need to take risks Y/N. Sometimes, taking risks, and facing your fears can be good for you." With that, you stared at Johnny's phone, reading over the contact and the number that read below it.

 

Your heart pounded against your chest as your mind played a variety of scenarios in your head. Each one making you even more scared and nervous than the next.

 

You sighed, shaking your head and pushed Johnny's phone back towards him.

 

"I really appreciate that you care for me Johnny, but... I don't think I will need it." You said politely, a sad smile decorating your chapped lips.

 

Johnny looked at you, then down towards his phone, sighing before nodding his head as he turned off his phone, and hid it safely in his back pocket.

 

"I want what's best for you Y/N. Look—you don't  _have_ to text him, but just take the number and reconsider. For me?" He asked, looking at you with a puppy-dog expression.

 

You remained hesitant, a heavyweight pushing you down as you did so, but you gave in, nodding your head with defeat as Johnny smiled widely.

 

"Good. Now that, that's done and over with, I think I should get going." Johnny said as he stood up from where he sat, you watching with wide eyes.

 

"You just got here!" You exclaimed, remaining where you sat, staring at Johnny in disbelief as he turned to you with a grin.

 

"I know, but it's getting late, and Ten is still at my house, I shouldn't leave him hanging~." He said with a wink, and you grimaced in response.

 

"You're so lucky your parents live in Chicago and you have a house all to yourself." You said as you shook your head. Johnny laughed wholeheartedly as he walked towards your window, you following him from behind.

 

"I know!" He said, and just like that, you quickly walked him out of your house, waving him goodbye as you watched his car drive away into the empty streets.

 

You closed the door, pressing your back against it as you slowly slid down to the floor, leaning your head towards the door and gently shut your tired eyes.

 

You breathed out softly, thinking back to your conversation with Johnny.

 

Although he was right for you to text him, and try to get some sort of closure out of the situation, you had thought it best if you were to forget everything that happened tonight.

 

You thought it best to forget Jaehyun and pretend he never existed.

 

Maybe that was the best decision for you...

 

_Maybe..._

 

Your eyes fluttered open, staring at your snoring father as he tossed and turned in his sleep.

 

You smiled slightly at the sight, how peaceful he always seemed when asleep.

 

Yet, it was at that moment your phone had rang.

 

Your brows furrowed, reaching for it and opened the message notification that popped up, and instantly, your eyes had widened in pure and utter shock.

 

 

_**[ XXX - XXX - XXX ]** _

hello, is this Y/N?

it's jaehyun, btw...

 

 

That was when you had finally decided.

You were going to kill Johnny.


	3. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He burns the back of your mind every night, mistaking the stars for his eyes, your heart is spiraling in confusion and emotion, and despite you trying to ignore it, he offers you adventure and endless joy, leaving you thinking back on everything, wondering if you truly are ready for the adventure that is him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, Happy Holidays and New Year everyone! I’m so sorry this update is late, finals week really had me stressing along with the holidays, but now that all that is over, I can finally rest and write! This chapter was originally much longer, but while editing decided to cut it short, but I hope you all still enjoy! If you like to listen to music while reading, I recommend listening to Feels Like We Only Go Backwards by Tame Impala, it's one of my favorites and I hope you enjoy it as well. Happy reading! —bambi

You stared down at the white mug that sat in front of you. Your fingers fumbled with the handle, feeling the polished glass under your fingertips.

You watched caramels and whites swirl around your cup, eyes darting everywhere and anywhere, desperate to look at everything—but him.

“You didn’t have to come, when I asked if I can talk to you.” His voice echoed in your ears amongst the crowds that talked amongst each other.

Already with his deep voice you could sense the guilt buried deep in the kindness that dripped from his lips.

You nodded your head, yet kept your eyes glued to your cup, for if you even spared him a single glance, you knew the guilt buried in your heart would eat you up.

“I know…” You whispered in response, and even with that, you were unsure as to why you did agree to meet up with him.

Perhaps it was your conscious screaming at you, telling you to give him a reason after what happened the night of Johnny’s party.

Or perhaps it was that Johnny had been guilt-tripping you ever since his visit last night. Just the sole thought of Johnny seeming to be the entire reason as to why you found yourself stuck in this situation infuriated you.

True, he had every reason to be right when he said you should give him closure.

To give Jaehyun a reason why you ran so abrupt, but now as you continued to rewind the scene over and over in your head—you continued to wallow in embarrassment and humiliation.

“Am I making you uncomfortable? I’m sorry if I am, y’know I can just leave if you want me to—” His sentence alone set you on edge, anxious as you could hear his chair screech against the wooden floor of the coffee shop.

Your eyes darted up to look at him, in which he had responded with the same, surprised glance.

You cleared your throat as Jaehyun sat back down after seeing your moment of panic. Your cheeks becoming flushed, you scratched the nape of your neck.

Your lips quivered ever so slightly. Words ready to breathe out from your chapped lips, yet each time you tried to speak, found a knot in your throat, silencing you each time before you could even mutter a word.

“If it’s alright for me to ask,” Jaehyun started, as you looked up at him in confusion, brows furrowing.

“Why did you run? D-Did I hit you too hard? I swear I only meant for it to be harmless!” He stated in a rush of panic, his eyes widening and cold sweat dripping down his temples.

From what you could see, you even noticed how his ears seemed to have blushed a bright, cherry red. Still, you had laughed quietly, and you couldn’t help compare Jaehyun to a child that had just been scolded.

“No, that’s not it! If I have to be honest…” Your voice trailed off, as you had lost yourself in thought. You took yourself back to that night.

How the stars littered the dark sky, the moon that rose in its beauty, shining on Jaehyun’s face as each time he’d smile, you’d notice how his dimples seemed deeper.

His laugh that echoed in your ears, and his voice that sounded as smooth as honey.

His eyes that sparked when he talked about his likes and dislikes.

It was a night where you allowed yourself to open up more than you normally did.

You talked about everything and anything with Jaehyun. From normal, polite conversation, to the wildest debates. It was the first time you talked about everything.

That night hadn’t left your mind, each minute you spent by yourself taking you back.

Your train of thought had soon ended when you heard Jaehyun mumble silently, bringing you back as you looked at him. You shook your head, scolding yourself for thinking back, and thinking it was okay to feel this way.

You despised the tiny skip in your heartbeat each time you thought of Jaehyun under the moonlit sky, and how you could easily feel so comfortable, so fast.

You felt like a hypocrite.

Preaching how much you feared love, you despised it, thinking it as something unnecessary, yet with one look into his eyes, your mind would draw into a blank.

“Nothing… forget about it.” You whispered, a heavy weight placed against your chest, you had let fear win.

His gaze dropped, staring down at your fumbling hands, and a sigh echoed past his lips.

“Y/N, I don’t know what I did, but if it’s alright to be selfish for a second…” He took a deep breath, a smile soon following as he looked deep into your eyes, a stare strong enough to where it seemed as if he was studying every feature of you.

Fearing to forget what you look like, even for a second.

“That night was one of the best nights I ever had. I-I like you, Y/N, and I know we just met, but if you’d let me, I’d like to get to know you more.” There it was.

Something in his words had risen something you had tried so hard to keep buried.

The passion in his words, the care and remorse that dripped from his lips, you wanted a reason not to be so scared, and as much as you wished for Jaehyun to be this reason—you felt terrified.

You felt pathetic, remembering back to your days in highschool.

A boy would take you to the empty football field in which a beautiful hibiscus syriacus tree blossomed.

They’d confess their love to you, a proud look in their eyes, only to be crushed entirely when you’d reject them with an empty expression.

Sometimes you had wondered if you even had a heart.

How cold and cruel you could be to those who tried so hard to appreciate you.

The hurtful rumors that sprouted because of your fears.

Everyone called you a player, manipulative even.

You didn’t deserve all the admiration you got from the boys.

You were just some stuck-up bitch that took everything for granted.

If only they knew, maybe those kids wouldn’t have been so hurtful to you, and maybe you wouldn’t have had such a small group of friends throughout your years.

Your jaw clenched tightly at the pain-filled memories, your hands that held onto your mug growing tighter till your knuckles glowed white, and you could feel your nails dig into your skin.

You shut your eyes, taking a deep breath, counting with each exhale you took.

_One. Two. Three. Four. Breathe in._

_One. Two. Three. Four. Breathe out._

You swallowed the lump that threatened to form inside your throat when you met eyes.

How you could easily read the amount of curiosity that held in that stare of his.

You felt guilty. He deserved none of this.

You knew it, and everyone knew it.

“Jaehyun, I-I can’t.” You whispered, feeling that heavy weight push you down even farther, as your stomach churned. You watched the tiny smile that had formed onto his lips soon falter. That spark you had found so intriguing in his eye quickly dying at your words.

“I see.” He responded, and immediately, you felt your entire being tremble.

You placed your hands against your legs, fingers playing with the ends of your skirt, you wanted nothing more than to leave.

You wanted to go home, lie down in bed, and forget that all of this had happened.

Since your childhood, you were quick to fall into a pit of darkness, and found comfort in the shadows each time you had become too scared to handle the real world.

This, had felt like one of those moments.

The weight was unbearable, your head throbbed, and your heart felt as if it were ready to break all over again, just like how you felt when you watched your parents leave each other before your eyes.

You didn’t want to deal with this.

Not again.

You didn’t want Jaehyun to be one of those guys, because even you knew, he was nothing like one of those guys.

Far from it.

You didn’t want to become so attached, just for him to fall for the girl impossible to love.

“Can we be friends then?” He snapped you out of your trance. You looked up at him with wide eyes, not realizing the tears that were threatening to spill as you watched him in pure surprise.

His lips curved into a thin smile, and with that, it felt as if that crushing weight that was pushing you down, had been lifted… ever so slightly.

You were speechless. You looked at him and instantly looked at the determination that sparked in his eye. Something in that look, reminded you of something, from another time.

It made you feel… happy, yet nothing could remove the hesitation buried in your heart.

“Jaehyun, I… I don’t—I mean I can’t, I-” You rambled, unsure of what to even say, staring down at the hands you had been fumbling with your skirt, you swallowed the large lump that formed in your throat.

You hadn’t realized how quick your heart had been beating as your palms grew clammy and cold from anxiety. He was just asking to be friends, yet you were already more than aware of his intentions, and with that, you went back into the familiar shadows, ready to hide yourself in the comforting darkness.

A darkness no one can be able to reach for you.

A darkness that made you feel so alone, yet so welcoming, because you knew no one can hurt you there.

No one…

“I will not hide how I feel, and I hope I’m not asking for much…” You sighed at his words, and soon laughed ever so slightly.

“You don’t even know me, and yet you say you like me? It was just one night, Jaehyun. One night we spent together, and you let your feelings get the best of you so quick?” Your heart ached as the words spilled from your mouth, leaving a bitter taste in your tongue.

You knew you shouldn’t be saying such things to Jaehyun.

You didn’t want to fill up your head with false hope. You didn’t want to give Jaehyun the harsh reality when it came to your fears and feelings.

“Can we be friends then?” He snapped you out of your trance. You looked up at him with wide eyes, not realizing the tears that were threatening to spill as you watched him in pure surprise.

His lips curved into a thin smile, and with that, it felt as if that crushing weight that was pushing you down, had been lifted… ever so slightly.

You were speechless. You looked at him and instantly looked at the determination that sparked in his eye. Something in that look, reminded you of something, from another time.

It made you feel… happy, yet nothing could remove the hesitation buried in your heart.

“Jaehyun, I… I don’t—I mean I can’t, I-” You rambled, unsure of what to even say, staring down at the hands you had been fumbling with your skirt, you swallowed the large lump that formed in your throat.

You hadn’t realized how quick your heart had been beating as your palms grew clammy and cold from anxiety. He was just asking to be friends, yet you were already more than aware of his intentions, and with that, you went back into the familiar shadows, ready to hide yourself in the comforting darkness.

A darkness no one can be able to reach for you.

A darkness that made you feel so alone, yet so welcomed, because you knew no one can hurt you there.

No one…

“I’m not going to hide how I feel, and I hope I’m not asking for much…” You sighed at his words, and soon laughed ever so slightly.

“You don’t even know me, and yet you say you like me? It was just one night, Jaehyun. One night we spent together, and you let your feelings get the best of you so quick?” Your heart ached as the words spilled from your mouth, leaving a bitter taste in your tongue.

You knew you shouldn’t be saying such things to Jaehyun.

How hypocritical of you, to judge him for something you have also felt, yet he is the only one who is more confident. He is someone who easily follows his heart. He is not like you, in which you ignore your heart, and ignore every ache and need it craves, because deep down, you’re afraid of listening to it.

You’re afraid of not being as fortunate, or as confident as most people.

As Jaehyun.

You watched that familiar gleam in his eye fade away, and although every inch of you wished to be guilty, shouted at yourself not to.

This was for your own good.

You must protect yourself.

You—

“I know, it must sound stupid, right? But I did, and I think nothing will change that. All I am asking is to be friends. I want to get to know you more. I want you to trust me. I want to talk about everything we did that night. I want what we had that night. You can’t tell me you didn’t feel anything either.” He explained with a pleading tone, looking deep into your eyes, begging you not to go. Begging for you to stay, and to feel the same thing he had felt for you.

Your brows slanted, your heart heavy, your stomach churning. It was as if he knew how you were feeling. How that night differed from the rest. How a stranger, can turn into a friend in only seconds.

“I won’t let you go that easy.” His voice rung in your ears, causing your eyes to go wide at his sentence, shocked by the smile that decorated onto his thin lips the second he saw your reaction.

“Just how persistent can you be?” You asked, awed by the sudden spark that was brought back to life, after watching it die down recently.

“Give me a chance, and maybe you’ll find out.” With that, Jaehyun extended his hand towards you, the sleeves of his white sweatshirt pulling down, “I’m not one to back down easily. I will gain your trust, and hopefully, change your mind. So what do you say, friends?” You looked down at his hand, caution spreading throughout your body.

You knew if you shook his hand, a brand new world will be introduced to you, because that’s just the kind of person Jaehyun was.

Each second spent with him, you experience something new.

Every hour, and every day with him by your side, is a new journey just waiting to be discovered. You can hide in the shadows all you want, bury yourself in the comfort of your warm blankets, but you knew, with him in your life, you’d never have a chance to even lie your head against that pillow.

Your throat went dry, yet your adrenaline was pumping, and your heart was racing.

Were you ready for the adventure that belonged to Jung Jaehyun?

With that, you stared back into his eyes, not finding a single tinge of hesitation, but pure confidence and determination.

One you envied, and one you wished you could carry.

He was just asking for friendship, so what’s the harm in that?

Well… perhaps having more nights like the one you had shared with him, and possibly the fact that those feelings that bloomed might become whole.

You weren’t certain of anything when you looked at him, and each thought crept upon your brain, suddenly all drawn in a blank.

You knew you had to take risks, and after years of hiding away because you were too scared for just about anything, out of all days, today was the day you had found a newborn confidence. You inhaled sharply, your posture straightening as you cleared your throat. Staring back down at his hand, you could only think of one thing.

Fuck it.

You smiled, grabbing his hand with a firm grip as you shook it firmly. “Alright.” You nodded your head, meeting eyes with Jaehyun to meet the same ambition and mischief that filled his own.

“Friends.”

Hours turned to days, and days turned to months. Immediately, as if the connection that sprouted that night during Johnny’s party, reignited all over again, you were quick to become comfortable around Jaehyun.

You led to believe you knew everything about him that night, unaware to the many secrets he was ready to spill out to you with each day you spent with him.

Three months after your whole “agreement” happened, Jaehyun had moved out of his parent’s house and got a tiny apartment with Taeyong.

You still live with your father, afraid that one day he’ll drink himself to his death, so you stay and take care of him. Unfortunately, his state has worsened. From every Friday night spent drinking, turned to weekends, and soon, it was every day after work.

You haven’t told Jaehyun about it yet, but you trusted him enough to tell him about the divorce of your parents. You decided not to go any deeper than that.

Out of all things you were willing to share with him, there was still a tiny piece of your life you had kept under lock and key.

Only this time, you were determined to throw that key away.

Jaehyun was a good person—as you predicted back when you first met him.

He volunteers to random events now and then, and one time he invited you to one.

You remember going to a rather low-funded high school with him, how he also brought in other boys. That was when you met Mark, a rather talented person in music, Doyoung who seemed to carry mother-like traits (which you two seemed to have very much in common with), and Winwin, Yuta, and Taeil, who somehow is always clinging onto Winwin like a piece of gum alongside Yuta.

You had also invited Johnny, who then brought Ten.

It was an eventful evening. You bought snacks and drinks for the kids, played fun games with them when it was time for P.E., and even prepared their lunches for them!

After your volunteer work was over, you and the boys headed over to a random park nearby, playing around like elementary school children and laughed until you felt as if you could nearly suffocate from the lack of air you were getting.

When all the boys left, it was just you and Jaehyun. You sat on the swing sets and continue to ramble about the strangest of topics.

It was nice to have conversations like those.

One in which carried from one topic to another. Not a single conversation was finished, as you had always found something new to talk about each second. How words could escape your lips with ease, how you can tell him one snarky remark, and how he’d snap with one right back.

You were content with how things were. You were more than happy to let Jaehyun into your life.

“This is nice.” Jaehyun said as he breathed out a laugh, swinging lazily on the swing set. You sat next to him and hummed in response as you looked over your right where he was.

“What is?” You asked before turning your head to face in front of you, basking in the cool air that breathed through your skin, watching the autumn leaves fall as they’d crunch under your feet.

Despite the chilly weather, it had always felt like a soft summer evening whenever you were with Jaehyun.

“This. Being outside, enjoying life. Being here… with you. With me.” His voice fell soft, barely above a whisper, and if you weren’t sitting close enough, you were sure you wouldn’t be able to hear.

You didn’t have to look at him to know his eyes were staring straight at you, already feeling his sweet smile with his famous dimples popping out of his cheeks.

You giggled lightly, a warm feeling radiating in your heart, for a second, and only just a second, you had seemed to have forgotten about everything.

“You’re doing that thing again.” You said with a snort, in which Jaehyun’s eyes widened slightly, shaking his head and clearing his throat as he looked ahead of himself.

“D-Doing what?” He asked, keeping his eyes glued to the park in front of him. You turned your head, this time being the one to face him as you poked his cheek, then pointing at the bright red that flushed his ears.

“Staring. Being all ‘lovey-dovey’ You better stop.” You said, and although your words felt heavy, you tried your best to present a smile.

Jaehyun pouted, staring down at his lap as his lips curled into a tight line.

“Is that bad?” He mumbled, and although it sounded more to himself, you still answered. “Yes, because that’s not what friends do.” You said, almost absent-mindedly, completely and entirely unaware of the effects it held against Jaehyun’s heart.

“Right.” He said, disappointment radiating in the tone of his words.

“Friends.” He sighed out with a frown.

You looked at Jaehyun, stuttering under your breath, but before you could dare utter out a sentence, Jaehyun was quick to intrude, as he stood up and buried his hands in his pockets.

“I think today’s been a long day. We should probably head home. I’ll drive you.” He said as he turned to face you, and behind the smile he was trying so hard to fake, you knew hurt was found deep within.

You felt guilty, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to apologize. You didn’t want to think about it. To think about how his feelings for you hasn’t changed one bit since that day.

Everything was going so good, you had finally made a friend, and because of his feelings for the girl afraid of love, you didn’t want to ruin all of that, because of that one sole reason.

You ignored his feelings as selfish as that sounded. You had your reasons, and slowly as the days went by, Jaehyun had realize how you kept yourself reserved.

“I-I can always walk, o-or hail a cab! You don’t have to drive me…” You said as you looked up at him, staying seated onto the swing. “Don’t be a dummy, dummy. There’s no way in hell I’m letting you go home alone. Now let’s go.” Before you could protest, Jaehyun was already walking.

You groaned, eventually getting up and running after him, slapping his arm in agitation, he chuckled and shoved you to the side in which you lost your balance. You growled at him, but let him win. This time.

You climbed in the car, buckling yourself as Jaehyun adjusted himself into the driver’s seat, then adjusting his mirrors and soon drove.

At first it was quiet, you stared out of the window for a while, but when you looked back to Jaehyun, saw his eyes fixated on the street, a tiny, sad glint in his eye.

You knew what you said had bothered him greatly, but it wasn’t like there was much you could do. You felt bad, but you didn’t want to apologize. You wish you could tell him. You wish you could tell him everything.

You never wanted to become so close to someone, yet you did, and with Jaehyun. He had a welcoming presence, and a soft smile you could easily trust.

He was perfect, and you appreciate him for everything he has given you.

From fun, late night drives in the middle of the night, to deep conversations whenever the two of you were found in difficult situations.

You didn’t think you’d become so close to someone like you are with Johnny—maybe even closer, but you did, and you were more than glad for that.

Maybe you should let him.

Maybe you should tell him everything.

He won’t back away if you do…

Will he?

You shook your head, pushing the thought away from you to think about later. You then saw the aux cord that extended inside the empty cup holders. You reached for it without a second thought, plugging your phone in as you played some soft music.

You smiled in content, falling back into your seat with a warm sigh, hugging yourself tightly and stared out of the window. You hummed lowly to yourself, and soon after, heard tiny taps next to you.

A smile itched at your lips, looking from the corner of your eye to see Jaehyun tapping his fingers against the steering wheel in the same rhythm to the music.

You decided not to say anything and continued to look out of the window as you let the music do all the talking.

The rest of the ride seemed a little easier, watching the tension in Jaehyun’s shoulders soon disappear, as the two of you would then hum the melodies together, laughing each time one of the two messed up, or forgotten how the tune had gone.

You reached to your house, staring at the dull setting, how the clouds seemed to have hovered over the block, yet making your house seem the most depressing. You sighed, because even in your own home it seemed just as sad as the reality that hid behind those walls.

“Well, I should get going… my dad is probably waiting for me already. Thanks.” You whispered, unbuckling your seatbelt, fingers wrapped around the car door handle, until Jaehyun quickly spoke up.

“Y/N…” He whispered, regret already filling his deep voice, you turned to him, sensing the tension return all over again as it filled the car.

“Yes?” You asked, tilting your head and tried to force a tiny, warm-like smile in attempts to calm him down. Yet, it was no use, as Jaehyun turned to look at you, and was instantly met with the familiar sad look in his eye.

“I know you’re no stranger with my feelings. Especially towards you… I know we agreed on just being friends, but you need to know, with each day that goes by, that little agreement we had, it gets—harder. For me.” He whispered, a sigh breathing through his lips after.

“Would you say that… even now—your feelings still haven‘t changed? Even a little?” He asked. Pleaded.

You watched him, at first studying his expressions, sensing the anxiety that rushed through his skin, how his ears had quickly ignited a bright red. You then looked towards his hand that gripped onto the steering wheel, watching as his knuckles turned white, and hand even tremble with a strong grip.

You curled your lip in a tight line, that familiar crushing weight returning all over again, only this time, it seemed heavier.

“Jaehyun, I can’t—” This all felt too familiar. The pleading look in his eye, how one look can tell a thousand words. How his eyes were begging you, pleading for you to reciprocate and to feel the same. Each time you had thought of it, goosebumps would rise to your skin, and that weight became suffocating.

You couldn’t breathe, and so you panic, because that’s what you were best known for doing. You panic, and you hide, because you’re too terrified to face the reality in front of you.

“Why can’t you?” Jaehyun asked, voice slightly below a shout, but still enough for you to flinch. “There’s just some things I can’t tell you.” You whispered, your glance dropping to look at your lap, hands resting against your legs as they then balled up into tight fists.

You just wanted to jump out of the car, run inside the house, you didn’t want to do this. You hated this. Every second of it. You hated thinking about this, and you hated it every time he’d bring it up.

Given, Jaehyun had rarely ever did bring it up, after eventually taking the hint that you weren’t looking for anything at the moment, but just like the first day you met him, he was still as persistent as ever.

“Why not? Do you not trust me, is that it?! I thought we told each other everything, Y/N! I tell you everything about my life, so why can’t you just let me in, and tell me?” His voice impatient, anger beginning to seep through his sentences.

You tried your best to choke down the same amount of anger that filled your veins. It was still no use, and it didn’t take much longer for you to snap.

“Is that all you care about?! Is that why you wanted to be friends?! Because you want me to trust you so much, I tell you everything and suddenly fall head over heels for you?! Is that it, Jaehyun!” You shouted, your heart pounding against your chest to where it ached, your voice shrill and full of pain, when you looked back up at Jaehyun, you watched as he grew entirely speechless.

“T-That’s not what I—” He whispered, yet you couldn’t hold back any longer, and everything came hurling at you all at once.

“There are reasons why I don’t tell you everything. If I could, I would, but it isn’t that easy. Stop trying to rush me; what kind of friend are you?! I know you want to be with me, but you can’t! Okay, Jaehyun?! You can’t!” You shouted once more, hand gripping onto the handle, staring straight into Jaehyun’s eyes.

You didn’t realize you were crying until he brought a hand towards your cheek, swiping a tear away with a brush of his thumb.

You gasped silently, and slapped his hand away.

“Stop doing that! Stop giving me this stupid “special treatment”, stop acting like I’m some priceless jewel, and stop treating me like I’m your fucking girlfriend! I’m not, so stop giving me all this “lovey-dovey” nonsense, and for God’s sake, stop making my mind drive insane!” Your tears grew stronger, you were ready to fall into a fit of sobs, but you tried your best to choke it down as much as you could, yet the tears had continued to trickle down your cheeks.

“Y/N, I’m sorry, I—” Jaehyun whispered, but you wouldn’t let him finish.

“W-Why… why are you such a good person. I hate it… I hate that I can’t be mad at you, and I hate that you make me feel certain things I’m not sure what they even are. I hate…” Your shouts soon subsided to hushed whispers, and sounds of your sniffling soon echoed around the car.

Jaehyun tried bringing his hand towards you again, ready to cup your face and wipe away your tears, like how he always would do whenever you cried for whatever the reason.

This time, it was different.

You shook your head, moving backwards, away from his touch, you finally opened the car door and crawled out, reaching for your bag as you were fast to shut the door.

“Y/N, wait, please, I—”

“Thanks for the car ride, and for the moment just… just stay away from me. Please. Goodbye, Jaehyun.” You wiped your tears away, and listened to Jaehyun’s constant shouts for you echo the closer you got to your house, and shut the door behind you.

Silence engulfed your ears, the living room dimly lit, it was hard to make anything out if it weren’t for the tiny lamp that was turned on right next to you.

You pressed your back against the door, staring up at the ceiling, you then shut your eyes tightly. Whispering over and over to yourself. “Stop crying, stop crying, stop…” It wasn’t long till you fell apart.

You fell on your knees, hugging yourself tightly as you cried.

Crying, crying, and crying, you cried until you felt as if you’d drown in your tears, until your stomach cramped from each sharp gasp you’d take, choking from the lack of air you were getting.

Eventually, you had calmed down, walking towards the couch close to where you were, and just sat there in silence, staring at the blank TV with an empty glare.

Why were you like this? Why were you crying? When did you become to emotional, and so attached to Jung Jaehyun? When did all of this even happen? What would’ve happened if you never met him?

If you never agreed to become his friend, knowing all too well of his intentions, yet still letting him easily into your life.

You hated feeling this way.

You hated being able to laugh freely with him, talk about almost anything and everything, to let out every emotion you were feeling, and for him to do the same. You did things you weren’t sure friends should even do together.

It didn’t take long for you to realize the special treatment Jaehyun had been giving you compared to his other friends. How he had always treated you more different from the others.

He carried a different smile, a different laugh whenever he was with you. His ears would flush a deep red so easily with you with just the tiniest thing you’d taunt him for.

How you were always the first person he’d say hello to, in a sea full of friends and family.

You were always the first person Jaehyun went to, and you to him.

Everything was different with him, and you knew it. You knew it the second you felt your heart flutter whenever he’d open the door for you, take you out when you were sad to late, midnight drives, buy you your most favorite snacks when it was that time of the month.

You knew he treated you differently than most friends, and you still let him. God, you felt so selfish. Your heart ached whenever you were away from him and soared each time you were side by side.

You took advantage of his kindness and obvious affection for you.

You knew how his heart yearned for you, how he’d bathe you in all this care and affection, and how did you repay him?

Surely not returning the feelings, but taking them, and continued to call him a “friend”.

He was nothing like your friends.

Jaehyun was different.

Everything was different when you were with him.

You continued to watch the black screen of the TV, and it didn’t take long until you heard the creak of a door, you hadn’t noticed the tears that rolled down your cheeks again.

“Dad?” You watched as your dad opened the door and easily had fallen into sorrow at the sight of your tears. 

Your dad, the person who drinks until he can’t even stand upright. 

Your dad, the person you cherished the most. 

The person who you never, in a million years would go to for your own troubles, because his mattered more to you, coming to you with open arms and a sober mind, for a boy you weren’t sure how to feel around anymore.


	4. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a conversation filled with sober thoughts and old wounds reopened, old habits resurface, and your clouded mind becomes more clear, and your fears slowly begin to dim. You look into those dark hooded eyes, and instantly, everything becomes clear as day. The only question now, is if you were truly ready, and if you were brave enough to confront it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEARS! I’m so glad I got to update earlier than usual, although this chapter seems kinda iffy to me, I hope you all will still enjoy it! I’m sorry if the pacing seems slow, it’s not going as fast as I wanted it to, but stay tuned for the next chapter because I can ensure you, it’ll be romantic a s f ;)

“Dad…” You whispered, staring up at your father in awe, and looking into his eyes filled with pain and sorrow, it had felt as if your heart had broke all over again. All the years you spent staring into those eyes with that same glint, you never wanted to be the reason for that look.

 

His lips parted as if to speak, yet no words could escape his lips, as if the sight of your tears was enough to leave him speechless. It was never easy to see your own child break before your own eyes.

 

“What are you doing here, I-I thought you’d still be at work for another hour?” You said, rubbing away your tears quick before your father stood between you and the TV.

 

“I wanted to… well—” He stuttered, and when you looked up again, saw the familiar green bottle wrapped around his fingers. His face full of guilt, he was quick to react and hid the bottle behind him before you could muster up anything to say.

 

“Never mind me, why are you crying?” With that, you looked away again. You felt a weight next to you push down against the couch, listening to the springs echo along with a sigh of content breathing from your father.

 

“I-I wasn’t… I mean—” You uttered, and despite every excuse you could ever possibly think of, you knew it was far too late to deny anything.

 

Silence echoed around you, tension filling the room, you rose your feet up on the couch, pushing them against your chest and hugged them tightly. Your eyes glued to the wooden floor below you, yet still felt the burning stare of your father’s worried glance.

 

“Look, I know I may not be the best dad in the world, but I know when something is wrong, and it pains me to see you like this. You just look so…” Your father started, clicking his tongue, then sighing in defeat, “So broken…” He sighed.

 

“Although I drink until I can’t remember my name, nothing can get past me when sober. I know that look in your eye, Y/N. You’ve had it ever since…” His words trailed off, but you knew what your father meant.

 

Your lips curled in a tight line, your heart ached as pictures ran through your head.

 

Your childhood.

 

It wasn’t the best.

 

It was nowhere near perfect, but it sure as hell felt like it.

 

At least, until you witnessed your parents fight when you were so young, then watched as everything had come undone. All that was good, tainted and stripped away from your grasp.

 

“Dad?” You uttered out, turning your head to look at your dad as you then leaned back so you were resting against his arm that was sprawled out comfortably.

 

With that, your father smiled slightly, and brought you close to a tight, warm embrace. “What’s up, kiddo?” He said, and you couldn’t help to chuckle ever so slightly at the nickname.

 

How natural it was to hear it, and how each time you did, it made everything seem as if it’d be okay. You frowned however, as you continued to remember, because that was all you could do.

 

Your memories were the last thing you had left of her. It was the only way you can keep her in some part of your heart, despite her not wanting to be in yours.

 

“Why did mom leave us?” You had asked, and again it fell into the same, miserable silence.

 

You heard your father sigh, turning your head ever so slightly to see him curl his lips in a tight line. You knew how much he hated to remember. It was the main reason why he turned to drinking.

 

Your father always had a problem with drinking however, yet it only took the leaving of your mother for it to worsen.

 

“Your mom… she was a good woman, but the thing with her—” You saw a spark of anger, remorse, and pain fill his sad eyes, the dark circles that decorated under your father’s eyes showing just how hard he works, and how much he fears to sleep, because secretly, he fears to dream of her.

 

“She just… didn’t have enough love in her heart to give.” There was the word.

 

Love.

 

A fear you had allowed to make a home in your heart.

 

A fear that allowed darkness to seep through your heart, engulfing you, and trapping you, ensuring that you will never escape.

 

Love.

 

It was something you never felt, and something you had always felt terrified to feel.

 

You didn’t see “love” like the stories in which the sad princess got her happily ever after with the prince. You didn’t see it like those cliche movies your friends would take you.

 

You saw love as anger, pain, and arguments. You saw love as something dark. Something evil. Because “love” in your house, meant yelling at each other, screaming bitter words that tasted of poison.

 

“Do you… love me? Dad?” You asked, your eyes radiating the familiar sting of tears building in the corner of your eyes, the grip you had wrapped around your father tightening, nervous for his answer.

 

Scared.

 

It was until your father had burst into a fit of short chuckles that brought you to surprise.

 

“My little girl…” He said as he patted your head, stroking your hair gently. “No words can describe the amount of  love I have for you.” With that, you had let the tears fall, and something in your father’s words, had given you a little chance at hope.

 

Maybe love wasn’t so evil.

 

Your father drank until his demons came out. When sober he’d just be asleep. You rarely ever talked to your father, but deep down, you always cared for him. Took care of him when he’d get drunk, because you knew how hard your father works.

 

Despite all the insults you heard of your father ever since you were a child, you’d defend him no matter what. Your father was a good man, and the amount of love he had for you—it was infinite.

 

“So you shouldn’t be afraid to love others as well just because your parents fucked up and you think it’ll always be like that.” Your father’s words echoed in your ears, your eyes widening as your head shot up towards him in surprise.

 

“H-How…” You whispered, heart racing. Your father laughed, shaking his head as he kept his eyes glued to his knees.

 

“I’m not that stupid, Y/N. It’s been years when your mom and I divorced. I knew I should’ve been more observant, more careful… I admit I was an idiot for that, but I saw that look in your eyes when you were little. The fear, and pain when you saw us fight… I should’ve stopped it, I don’t know why… I—” You sighed, nodding your head, you knew none of it was your father’s fault.

 

Hell, it wasn’t even your mother’s.

 

They weren’t happy together, and because of that you lived thinking to love someone, eventually it’ll fade away into that familiar darkness.

 

“What I want to say is…” Your father began, turning to look at you and gripped onto your shoulders.

 

“I know that Jaehyun likes you. Every day that bastard comes over, I see how his eyes stay glued onto you. He’s practically clinging onto you like a damn koala.” Your father grimaced, and you laughed as you remembered all the times Jaehyun would come over to hang out at your house, be it to watch a movie, play games, or just talk.

 

Your father met Jaehyun not long after the two of you became friends, and although he prefers Johnny more (without knowing he’s gay), he seemed to soften up sooner or later with Jaehyun.

 

“He likes you, and you like him. Whether or not you admit it, I know that look in your eye. You may not know it, but I do because…” He choked up, and you saw his eyes glimmer against the poorly lit living room.

 

“Because… that was how I used to look at your mom.” Your chest felt heavy, and instantly, something had clicked.

 

Love wasn’t a waste of time.

 

Love wasn’t evil, and love didn’t make people leave.

 

Love was painful, but so it will always linger, and leave a bitter taste in your tongue, but still left a hint of sweetness in it.

 

Love didn’t make people leave.

 

It was the fear that made them run.

 

What made you run.

 

Now here you were, looking at love through Jaehyun’s eyes, yet ready to run away from it all.

 

“What do I do…? I’m scared.” Your voice trembled, and although the question was more towards yourself, you still looked at your father for some guidance.

 

He looked at you, brows furrowed, then sighed as he brought you into a full hug.

 

“It’s okay to be scared… but it’s up to you if you want to take that adrenaline in your veins, and turn it into something great, or use it to continue and run. All I can tell you is, if you run, you may never get over this fear, and you will be the one to let it win.” With that, it finally made sense.

 

You hugged your dad tightly, letting the few teardrops trickle down your cheek and crash against his shirt.

 

“Thanks pops…” You whispered shakily, as the embrace your father had, tightened.

 

“Anything for you.”

 

You woke up to the vibrations of your phone buzzing on top of the nightstand next to you. Groaning, you tossed and turned, shoving your pillow above your head in attempts to drown out the sound.

 

Eventually, it seemed no use, as the constant buzzes irritated you enough to snatch your phone from the nightstand, your eyes fluttering open slowly as you scrolled down the endless notifications.

 

Your vision was still a blur from waking up, so with a sigh, you placed your phone down to worry about later and step into the shower.

 

The hot water trickling down your skin, you sighed in content, shutting your eyes and leaned your head against the cold tile wall.

 

So much was on your mind, so many questions still left unanswered. Your heart still a shattered mess, you could only think of your conversation with your father the other night.

 

The tears that threatened to spill from his eyes each time he spoke of your mother.

 

The look of pain when he saw your crying figure.

 

Your father was always a man whom you looked up to. He was hardworking, determined, and ambitious. He would risk life and limb to make sure you had a normal life, and to make sure you had food on your plate, and clothes on your back.

 

Seeing him drink his sorrows away, it made you sad.

 

Knowing he drinks to forget about a woman who didn’t want to love her own family.

 

It made you furious.

 

How someone can be so selfish, how she wanted nothing to do with your father, and how she wanted nothing to do with you.

 

You remember back to the arguments.

 

How you’d hear their shouts muffled against your bedroom door, and how you’d press your ear against it in attempts to listen to what they were talking about.

 

How your father tried, begged, and pleaded for your mother to put up with him, to stay for your sake, for a child who needed their mother, and how she—without a second thought—had ran out of that door, and never looked back.

 

Maybe a tiny part of your fear was because of those arguments, but deep down, some part of you had felt that your mother caused this fear.

 

You fear of falling in love, because you fear that deep down, that person will end up being just like her. One second, everything will be fine and beautiful, but once you reveal your imperfections and flaws towards them, will end up running off.

 

It felt heavy against your chest; it made your stomach churn, but each time you thought back to that fear, you remember about your father.

 

How it must’ve felt for him.

 

How he, out of all other people, should fear love instead of you.

 

You’ve never been in love, because you didn’t want to take the risks, and end up being stuck in this painful, regretful abyss.

 

You feared of the risks; you feared of what lies beyond the entire definition of love.

 

You opened your eyes, realizing you had been in the shower too long once you saw how your fingers pruned, you got out and changed into a pair of skinny jeans, a random graphic tee and a warm jacket.

 

You walked towards the window of your bedroom upstairs, staring down at the autumn leaves that scattered the dry grass below you. Your lips curled in a tight line, closing your eyes once more in attempts to use the silence that filled your room to ease your nerves.

 

You heard a familiar buzz, and your eyes opened, remembering back to when you first woke up to your phone practically exploding.

 

You rolled your eyes, annoyed already as you walked towards your bed in which your phone had continued to ring endlessly.

 

Opening it, ready to text whoever was calling you to shut it, your heart had quickly dropped when you saw the contact.

 

Jaehyun.

 

That was when you remembered what happened last night.

 

What you did, and what you said.

 

All the tears you shed, all for him.

 

Jaehyun.

 

You clenched your jaw, scrolling down the messages he sent, each one making you fall deeper and deeper into guilt.

 

**[ jaehyunnie ]**

i’m sorry.

i didn’t mean to say those things

i fucked up

i really fucked up

Y/N please answer me

i’m sorry

 

Your head throbbed, cursing at yourself under your breath, you hated feeling like this.

 

You hadn’t realize how much of this fear of yours had gotten not just to you, but to Jaehyun. You were hurting him because you’re too scared to know what will happen if you accept his feelings.

 

What’ll happen if you allow your heart to open, to show him all of your vulnerabilities, and see if he’ll still look at you the same way he does now.

 

Although you had repeated it over your head countless times, you knew he didn’t deserve this.

 

He didn’t deserve you.

 

Maybe Jaehyun had chosen the wrong person to love.

 

No, not maybe—he  _did_.

 

He deserves someone who will reciprocate the same feelings towards him, to make him laugh and smile all the time, and someone who won’t make him suffer, as much as you did now.

 

You felt selfish, cowardly even.

 

You sighed, sinking into your mattress until your back was pressed against the messy sheets. You turned off your phone, pressing it close to your chest, you stared at the ceiling with a blank stare.

 

_“So you shouldn’t be afraid to love others as well just because your parents fucked up and you think it’ll always be like that.”_

 

Your father’s words rang in your ears.

 

He was right.

 

You shouldn’t have been so afraid of love, just because of the mistakes your parents had made when you were a child.

 

You shouldn’t think everyone will be like that. You shouldn’t think Jaehyun will be like that. You chewed on the inside of your cheek, mind drawn in a blank, you didn’t know what to do.

 

Your phone buzzed again, you shut your eyes, heart pounding against your chest. You opened it, thinking it’ll be Jaehyun spamming you endless apologies again, only to be surprised—and a little relieved—when you stared at the contact.

 

**[ johndick ]**

hey sugarplum ;)

 

You cackled, then grimaced as you read over the text, rolling your eyes, it didn’t take long to recognize when Johnny would text you, versus Ten.

 

**[ me ]**

you have a phone for a reason, stop texting me through johnny’s phone

what do you want anyway “sugarplum”?

**[ johndick ]**

ahhhh, you’re no fun anymore >:(

anyway, johnny thought it be fun to have a movie night and invite the boys over

**[ me ]**

but i’m a girl?

**[ johndick ]**

hmm… sure don’t act like one

i personally thought it’d be more fun to spend out time alone..

if you know what i mean ;)

**[ me ]**

you’re literally disgusting!

**[ johndick ]**

it’s my job ;)

anyway, are you coming over or not?

it starts at 7 PM but you can come over early if you want

 

Your brows furrowed, turning off your phone as you stared up at the ceiling once more. Jaehyun would surely be there.

 

Each time you thought of him, your heart would race, you weren’t sure if you were ready to see him.

 

Not yet anyway, especially after what happened that night.

 

You chewed on the bottom of your lip, chills running down your spine, you felt anxious to find out if he was there or not.

 

You were unsure if you wanted to find out.

 

If you were ready to face him again.

 

Then again, you couldn’t be selfish and say no.

 

You couldn’t let your feelings for him impede having a good time with your other friends. Maybe you’ll just avoid him? You could do that, and if he tries to talk to you, walk away before he gets the chance.

 

You knew it was your fear talking, whispering these ideas in your head, but as you continued to think, it seemed to be the only option.

 

**[ me ]**

alright, i’ll be there in a bit.

 

You looked at the time, seeing it was barely 2 PM, you still had a lot of time to kill, and you didn’t want to go to their place early, since most of the time now it ended up with you third wheeling the hell out of Johnny and Ten, and that was something you didn’t want to do.

 

You looked outside of the window, maybe you could grab a cup of coffee, some breakfast?

 

You huffed, as that was always something you did religiously, and for once, you wanted to do something different.

 

You looked around the mess that was your room, staring at the piles of clothes that sat comfortably on the chair you had inches away from your desk.

 

Shaking your head, laundry was the last thing you wanted to do. You continued to look around, and it was when you glimpsed a familiar white, your breath had hitched.

 

It’s been years, you were rusty.

 

You avoided it for such a long time, thinking it was always a waste of time.

 

Deep down, you knew you’d get nowhere with it.

 

You got up from your bed, listening to the creaks echo in your ear, your heart seeming to be just as loud as it pounded violently against your chest.

 

Draped under a maroon blanket, you lifted it up, tossing it to the side to see the blank canvas sitting in front of you. Next to the canvas was your palette stained in a variety of colors.

 

Yet, what you noticed as you picked it up from the floor, studying it carefully, was how over the years, you had slowly stopped using bright colors.

 

How the palette was scattered with only the dull.

 

You always painted how you felt, and it was until your father was being buried in work, and after the numerous failures of selling your paintings for profit, you had given up on painting.

 

Your previous works all burnt to ash.

 

You were ashamed, and disappointed in them.

Maybe it was your giving up on painting that set the cherry on top, but looking at the palette, looking at the colors filled with memories, a part of you had died when you covered it all up.

 

You sniffled, breath hitching to a gasp as you brought your hand towards your face, unaware of the tears that were trickling down as you continued to observe the canvas.

 

You tilted your head to the side, picking it up with one hand and chewed the inside of your cheek. With the other hand, you looked at the palette in which you had easily slipped into your thumb.

 

Going back and forth from canvas to palette, you breathed out a tiny laugh, reaching over for the easel that was buried in the depths from underneath your bed.

 

You sat the canvas down onto it, staring at its blankness, staring at the infinite ways it could be filled up. Your lips had curved into a tiny—almost content—grin.

 

You grabbed the oil paints that stood close to where you found your palette.

 

Your fingers brushed against the endless options of color. You closed your eyes as your fingers continued to roam, when you opened them, saw you stopped in between white and brown.

 

Maybe you could create a beige piece?

 

Going back from under the bed, you grabbed your brushes, seeing how each one was wiped clean from all the muck of old paint.

 

You pulled your hair up in a messy bun, picking up a brush and filled your palette with endless colors, and, as if absentmindedly, you had painted without a single thought or plan of what exactly it’d be.

 

You let the brush take control, each sweep of color filling the once empty canvas.

 

Your brushes danced against it, creating sweet music to your ears, you had let the colors do the talking, to do all the singing, and the brush to conduct.

 

You were merely an audience observing the beauty of it all.

 

You had easily lost track of time as you continued to paint with ease, ignoring every outside noise that dared to stop you.

 

Throughout your painting, a large smile had decorated your lips, eyes filled with focus, you didn’t dare break contact from your work.

 

Eventually, what had felt like an eternity, you had finished, and at first, as you stared at it—it looked like a blurred mess.

 

Then again, you weren’t really keeping track as to  _what_ you were painting.

 

You hadn’t realize how out of breath you were as if you were holding it in the entire time you had been at work.

 

Wiping off the cold sweat that trickled down your temples, your brows furrowed, trying to make a picture out of what you had painted.

 

You took a step back, praying you could make out something from it, and as you stared at it, you gasped, as the brush that was tucked in your fingers had dropped, along with the palette with a loud thud.

 

Brown, welcoming eyes filled with purity and joy, how they curved into a crescent shape.

 

Skin a pale, milky tone, smooth to the touch of the rough canvas, and a smile filled with intoxicating beauty.

 

Your heart swelled up at the sight, how, even though you had no control over what you were painting, how your mind could automatically find its way back… to Jaehyun.

 

You breathed out an awe-filled laugh, and despite your laughter, tears had filled your eyes.

 

Out of all paintings you had done, out of all the disappointment that lingered after each signature, this one was different.

 

None of them had a muse, each one based on your emotion, and your thoughts.

 

Unwanted memories that found their way to taint your paintings.

 

Tainting it with the ugliness of the pain it had brought to your shattered heart.

 

Yet, with this one… it wasn’t unwanted, and it wasn’t caused by pain.

 

You stared into those eyes, a sad smile filling your lips, that was when it had hit you. That was what was missing all along.

 

A muse.

 

Ever since meeting Jaehyun, you knew it was different since day one.

 

How he seemed to have taken that darkness that filled your life, and without even knowing it, had poured light into it. How his smile was enough to turn all your anger and sadness into joy.

 

You try over and over to run away from him, to run away from a chance at happiness, at having color back into your dull life.

 

You try so hard every day to ensure that you will never become attached, that you’ll never allow that light in, yet, as you stared at the painting with teary eyes, you knew it would be impossible.

 

You could try all you want, to not have Jaehyun in your life, but you knew, you’d always find your way back right to him.

 

The buzz of your phone interrupted your thoughts, looking towards it, you had saw that Johnny had been calling you.

 

You answered, pressing the phone against your ear, and had instantly gotten an earful out of Johnny shouting through the phone.

 

“What the hell, oh, _‘I’ll be there in a bit’_  my ass! Where the hell are you Y/N, we’re all waiting for you!” You winced slightly, moving the phone away from your ear for a second before bursting in a fit of short laughter as you brought the phone back up to your ear.

 

“Sorry! I guess I lost track of time. I’ll be there.” You said with a snort, listening to the line go silent, your brows furrowed.

 

“Johnny? You still there?” You asked, continuing to listen to the silence that echoed from the other line until a short chuckle had broken the silence.

 

“You’re such an idiot, hurry and get your ass over here before we start movie night without you!” With that, you nodded your head—although you knew he couldn’t really see you—humming a quick “Yeah.” You hung up.

 

It was already seven thirty when you checked your phone, all your hours that had gone onto the painting, you blushed a little in embarrassment.

 

You looked over at the canvas, your heart fluttering, and a warm fuzzy feeling that filled it up as you stared at Jaehyun’s face you had drawn onto it.

 

Now you knew, and now you had to tell him everything that had been running through your mind since the first day you had met him.

 

Today was the day.

 

You had to get rid of this fear, and the more you stared into the painting, closing your eyes and imagining Jaehyun side by side with you.

 

His warm hand entangled your cold, smaller ones.

 

Watching his chest heave up and down, his eyes flutter open and close, how you can look into those eyes and not find a single twinge of fear, but bravery.

 

You walked towards your tall mirror, staring at yourself stained in splatters of paint on your pants and even onto your shirt, you tilted your head, groaning in a slight agitation, you had quickly changed into a different pair of jeans and a sweatshirt.

 

You rushed towards your window, staring at the dead leaves on your lawn drift with the wind, your lips curled in a line as you rushed out of your house with a jacket in hand.

 

You stopped immediately in front of the door, hand gripping onto the knob, you took one last look in your home, and quickly saw your father sprawled onto the couch, dead asleep.

 

You walked towards him, anxiety peeking into your veins, you feared he had drank himself unconscious again.

 

You looked around his surroundings, not finding a single bottle around, you then leaned towards your father, sniffing slightly to see if he had drank before going home, but you smelled nothing.

 

“Hmm…” You hummed lowly, and your lips had curved into a tiny smile.

 

Was your father finally getting rid of his drinking habit?

 

You didn’t want to jinx it, so when you looked back at your father, smiled at his peaceful sleeping face, kissed his forehead and reached for the blanket that wasn’t too far from the couch and quickly tucked him in.

 

It amused you how even though he is your father; you had always felt like you were babying him.

 

Well, it was the least you could do, given that your father works his very best for the two of you. You were grateful to him, in many ways you can’t even explain, and even though you don’t have to tell your father anything, you knew he could always help you out.

 

You sighed in content, turning towards your front door, wrapping your hand onto the doorknob, and with a huff, walked right out.

 

Johnny’s house wasn’t as far from yours, it was one of the reasons you guys became friends so fast. Ever since moving here from Chicago, Johnny had always lived closest to you.

 

You were his first friend, and so he had stuck to you from the moment he first greeted you, to when his parents had went back to Chicago, and give the house to Johnny when he was only seventeen years old to continue his studies here.

 

You and your father had tried your best to provide for Johnny when he couldn’t, and no one really knew of him living by himself since your father would pay him frequent visits and even went as far as singing to be his legal guardian until he turned 18.

 

You’d tag along, and soon enough, Johnny had felt more like a brother to you.

 

He was part of the family.

 

It was why you treasured your friendship with him so much.

 

You walked, shoving your hands in the pockets of your warm oversize jacket.

 

You exhaled, watching the vapor breathe out of your chapped lips and disappear into the night sky littered in stars.

 

As you continued to walk, you had looked up at the sky, smiling to yourself, closing your eyes for a second and took in the comfortable silence that surrounded you.

 

It was that same sky in which you remember lying next to Jaehyun, talking about everything and anything, and how you wanted nothing more, than to have more nights like those.

 

By the time you stood in front of Johnny’s door, you knocked on it, waiting in the cold, you looked around your surroundings.

 

The streets seemed dead, and time felt still.

 

The door opened, pulling you back to reality as you turned your head with a grin, only to meet eyes with an agitated Johnny.

 

“About damn time you showed up! Everyone’s waiting for you, c’mon.” Eventually, his agitation went away as you walked inside, Johnny following you behind as you quickly greeted everyone in the living room.

 

You looked around, adrenaline pumping in expectation you would quickly see Jaehyun, but to your surprise, nothing.

 

Your brows furrowed, you huffed gently as you turned to look at Johnny who stayed by your side. As if he had already read your mind, Johnny shrugged and walked towards the long couch in which Ten was sitting in.

 

“Jaehyun hasn’t replied since we asked. Probably busy with something.” Johnny excused. You nodded, although feeling sad and even empty without his presence, but you still tried your best to make the most of the time you had spent with the rest of the boys.

 

You watched one of Yukhei’s suggestions which was—to your surprise—a romance movie. The boys were against it, but with enough whining and begging, the rest of you were stuck watching it and dealing with a teary eyed Yukhei.

 

Throughout the movie, you hadn’t been paying much attention to it, so you got up with a sigh, walking towards the front door and snuck your way out without causing much attention.

 

Greeted by the piercing autumn air, your breath hitched and pulled your jacket tightly around yourself like a blanket.

 

You shut your eyes as you leaned against the door, thinking over and over what happened today. You had still prayed that Jaehyun would show up so you can talk to him, about all of this, about everything.

 

Just with his absence, it left an empty feeling in your heart, and your throat to go dry.

 

Your cheeks puffed as you opened your eyes, staring down at your feet and soon sighed.

 

Maybe you weren’t ready.

 

You should be relieved that he wasn’t here, because if he was, you knew you couldn’t think straight enough to tell him everything.

 

Especially with your feelings towards him.

 

You leaned your head back, listening to the muffles sniffles and cries against the door, you snorted out a laugh.

 

“Pussies.” You muttered under your breath, but laughed again.

 

Pushing yourself off the door, you had walked a couple feet away from the house, watching your feet walk before you, your breath hitched to a gasp when you saw a pair of two extra feet that stood right in front of you.

 

“Y/N?” His voice echoed in your ears, causing your eyes to go wide and your head to snap towards their direction.

 

Just like seeing him for the first time, your heart had ran, and your head spun, everything that happened in the last months replaying over and over, you stared at those familiar eyes, and felt the tears sting, and your heart to swell all over again.

 

Only this time, despite the tears, you smiled.

 

“Jaehyun…”


	5. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bitter air brushing against your skin, and a million stars trapped in his eyes. You look at him, as if he were the only last thing in the world that was good, because in your case—he was. It was only a matter if you were truly ready to face the fears, take his hand, and accept the new adventure that awaits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first I want to apologize for the rather long wait! If you want earlier updates on Ethereal, go follow my Tumblr @hqjaemin ! I tend to update there first before any other website, so you will be able to get first dibs on the new chapters along with tiny notes of sneak peeks, or future notices in case I disappear again! School has been piling up and I got sick for about a week so that makes it fun... .-. anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and stick around for more! xoxo bambi

Time stood still, and everything felt as if it were put in a pause, and no one else existed in this world, but the two of you.

 

It was just you and him, you stared up at him, eyes filled with reminiscent memories, as if everything you had ever went through with him came flashing through your eyes.

 

Your heartbeat had skyrocketed, cold, clammy sweat that formed onto your palms as you wiped down your hands against your jacket.

 

You watched, too afraid, and too anxious to say anything, to break the strange limbo of silence you had both fallen in.

 

Jaehyun breathed out a short laugh, watching his dimples pop, his breath hitched as he buried his hands in the pockets of his beige trench coat, curling his lips and stared into the sky. “It’s pretty chilly out, isn’t it?” He said, as you tilted your head.

 

Jaehyun turned his attention back towards you, as you rocked back and forth on your heels, staring down at your feet.

 

The corner of your lips tugging into a faint smile, your eyes finding their way back to Jaehyun and nodded. “Yeah.” Was all you could muster up, unsure of what to say next.

Jaehyun opened his mouth to speak, yet you watched as nothing came out of his lips, as if he were choked up on what to say.

 

A part of him even looked… scared.

 

As if he were scared of how you’d react.

 

Cautious.

 

“Y/N,” You listened to him whisper your name, sending a strange rush of chills to run down your spine.

 

“I-I want to talk about what happened.” Your smile had faltered at his sentence, the words echoing in your ears, and taking you back to you sitting down in his car, watching your entire world fall apart, and your fears to devour you entirely.

The tears that were spilt that night, unsure if it was because of your fear of falling in love, or your fear of falling for Jaehyun.

 

The glint of sorrow that filled your dad’s already sad eyes as he watched you break, more than he already has seen in the past.

 

The words he said that had stuck to you, your throat went dry, your gaze on Jaehyun falling back to your feet. “I know.” You said, breaking the tension that was beginning to rise.

 

“You do? Y/N, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to rush you, or make you think that I don’t appreciate what we have now.” Jaehyun was quick to apologize, you watched his feet near yours, and as if by instinct, you took a tiny step back, head snapping towards his direction with wide eyes.

 

“I’m sorry…” He whispered in the cold night, watching each word that left his lips breathe out into vapor that disappeared into the starlit sky, and you couldn’t help but think of this all as bittersweet.

 

“Why do you always say that?” You mumbled, eyes wandering to anywhere but Jaehyun.

 

“Say what?” He asked, confused as his brows furrowed and your hands had tightened into fists.

 

“You always say sorry, for things you haven’t done. For things you can’t control…” You trembled at your words, your own body rebelling against the emotions you try to keep locked up, as angry tears had stung your eyes.

A type of anger filled with self regret and pure hatred, for yourself.

 

“I should be the one to apologize… I should be the one spilling endless apologies. Fuck, I’m so selfish.” Your teeth clenched, your breath hitching to a sniffle, you tried your best to choke down the tears.

You were sick of crying, sick of letting your emotions get the best of you, but how else were you supposed to feel?

 

What else were you supposed to do?

 

You were confused, and you were scared.

 

You just wanted this lingering pain to go away, you just wanted answers to questions you weren’t sure you even  _wanted_ answers to.

 

“No—Y/N, you’re not selfish.” Jaehyun had tried to ease your mind with those words. You could practically feel the pity he had blanketed over you.

Your lips quivered, shaking your head endlessly, you wanted to cry, but as much as you tried, nothing would come out.

 

You had felt empty.

 

Drained.

 

You were giving up.

 

“Yes I am… you treat me good—wonderful even. Every moment I spend with you is like some fucking princess tale, but I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you, Jaehyun… I don’t—” You choked up at your own words, your throat tangling into a knot, you didn’t know what you were saying, yet nothing was stopping you from letting these words spill from your lips.

 

“What I do deserve is this—this pain.” You began, vision becoming a blur from the tears you were struggling by the second to keep in.

 

“This pain that just won’t stop, because I’m selfish, and because I’m stupid… ” You continued to ramble, your fists trembling and your knuckles glowing white, you felt your nails dig deep into your skin, sure enough to cause you to bleed, but you didn’t care. Nothing could hurt more than the pain and suffering of emotions you were placing onto yourself.

 

“Y/N—” Jaehyun attempted to say, but you were quick to interrupt.

 

“You make me crazy Jaehyun. Why do I have to think of you everyday? Why does your smile do things to my heart? Why do you…” You asked with a shaky breath, looking up to meet his eyes.

 

Jaehyun watched you with wide eyes, shock filling his expressions, you looked away, and breathed out a dry laugh.

 

“I try and trick myself not to feel things these. I try so hard to paint you as a villain. To try and find something wrong with you, but I find nothing. Maybe I’m the villain—no. I am.” You shook your head in agreement to your own words, and something had easily felt venomous to the taste about it.

 

You tried to make yourself the victim to these things, because you were so used to the hurt that took over your heart, you didn’t want to think something good would come to take that pain away.

 

Or in this case,  _someone_.

 

“You’re a good person, Jaehyun. Much more than you could ever give yourself credit for. You deserve someone better than me… someone who won’t hurt you, because secretly, they’re scared to be hurt. They’re scared to love.” You shut your eyes, and instantly remember to the painting you had created.

 

Remembering to your father’s words.

 

You had chose to run.

 

You had chose to let fear win.

 

Your eyes fluttered open to look at Jaehyun, seeing the pain fill his eyes as you smiled pathetically. “I’m sorry.” You turned your back, and looked ahead at the empty streets before you.

 

How lonely everything looked.

 

How dull everything seemed.

 

It was just like you.

 

You sniffled as you choked down your tears, blinking rapidly as you stared ahead with blurred eyes, you had taken a short, hesitant step forward.

 

You could hear the darkness call you, the shadows welcoming you with dark, tainted hands, ready to bring you back to the familiar, lonely abyss.

 

Only this time, you were leaving with that familiar bittersweetness in your tongue.

 

“Y/N, wait!” A voice had called for you from behind, pulling you back into reality when you felt his hand wrap around your wrist.

 

Your shoulders tensed, but before you could react, you felt warm arms wrap around you, trapping you from going anywhere else.

 

“Please…” You heard him whimper as he buried his face in the crook of your neck, holding you desperately in his arms, fearing that you will go away if he were to let go.

 

“Don’t leave… Not again.” He whispered, and with that, a part of you had broke with his words.

 

“Jaehyun…” You mumbled lowly, bringing your hand towards his chest in attempts to push him away, yet only earning for Jaehyun to respond with a tighter embrace.

 

“No. Don’t run away. I won’t—” He choked on his words, you felt his body tremble as his voice cracked quietly. “I won’t let you leave me. I can’t… I refuse.” He shook his head, as your hands slowly began to grip onto his white shirt.

 

You bit the inside of your cheek, shutting your eyes in attempts to wake yourself up from this dream.

 

None of this had to be real.

 

He isn’t real.

 

This was all too good to be true.

 

You didn’t deserve his kindness.

 

You didn’t deserve his love.

 

And yet, he continues to persist, and continues to push forward.

 

He remained determined to take down the wall you spent years building, to bring light into the darkness in your heart.

 

“Why…” You whispered, your voice breaking in the process, you can feel the tears come back all over again, why was it, that whenever you had even thought of pushing Jaehyun away, it’d always break your heart?

 

“I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want the girl who makes me crazy, the girl who makes my heart flutter every time I think about her to leave. Because if she does…” His words trailed, you felt his hands wrapped around your waist travel up to your shoulders as he pulled you away from him so you could look into his eyes. “I might die.” He finished, and with that, you watched the tears that had began to trickle down his face, and your eyes widened at the sight.

 

You wanted to wipe those tears away.

 

You wanted to see him smile.

 

You wanted… him.

 

“I love you, Y/N… please—please love me back.” He said with a pleading tone, his eyes glossy in tears, yet you could see how hard he tried to choke them back.

 

You watched, studying every piece of him, scared to forget how he’d look like, even just for a second.

 

Your brows slanted, and it wasn’t long until the tears that threatened to spill, slowly trickled down your cheeks. “I can’t…” You whispered, looking away from Jaehyun, you felt too ashamed in yourself.

 

“If you don’t love me, then…” Jaehyun begun, his grip on your shoulders tightening slightly enough for you to look at him with a pain-filled glance.

 

“Tell me that you hate me. Tell me you never wish to see me again. Please… so I can stop feeling these things for you. Give me a reason not to love you… give me a reason, to stop feeling what I do.” He said strongly, but who was he kidding if he thought he could hide the pain that filled his words.

 

His hand darted towards yours, taking you by surprise with a short gasp, you didn’t have much time to react as he placed your hand against his chest, feeling his gentle heartbeat. Feeling it break.

 

“My heart hurts… and I’m scared it’ll break entirely. Please… stay. Please… love me.”

 

His words shattered your heart.

 

The thought of hating Jaehyun was too unbearable for you.

 

The thought of him wanting you to say it, so he can stop feeling for you, made it worse.

 

“I don’t hate you.” You whispered, looking away once more, you sniffled as your tears continued to spill.

 

“Then what do you feel? Please, Y/N. I want to know.” He asked, desperate for an answer as he reached back towards your shoulders.

 

You looked up at him, the tears growing stronger, you sobbed gently, trying your best to move away from Jaehyun, but his grip on you remained stubborn, and your feet remained rooted to the floor.

 

“Answer me… please.” He begged, your breath shaky, everything was falling apart.

 

“I love you…” The words escaped your lips, and you yourself couldn’t believe what you had said.

 

The girl who was impossible to love, falling in love.

 

How ironic.

 

Your tears managed to stop, and it felt as if this crushing weight that had been pushing you down for years, was suddenly lifted.

 

You loved him.

 

Ever since meeting him, you knew that feeling that took over your heart wouldn’t go away, not while he was still a part of your life.

 

You loved him, so much that you painted him.

 

His smile that’d make your heart flutter, and his laugh that’d set the butterflies to roam in your belly.

 

You loved him.

 

You loved Jaehyun… so what now?

 

He breathed out a laugh, but the tears were inevitable in his eyes.

 

Jaehyun looked scared.

 

Scared to do anything, scared to speak.

 

He wanted you to stay, more than anything, and those words that breathed through your lips was enough for him to be reassured, yet something continued to hold him back.

 

He brought a hand towards your cheek, removing your tears with a swipe of his thumb, his face slowly inching towards yours.

 

Your heart raced, but not in the way you thought it would.

 

Bad thoughts entered your mind.

 

You heard the arguments, listened to all the yelling and fighting.

 

You watched the love leave their eyes, you didn’t want that.

 

“Hey…” Jaehyun’s soft voice broke you out of your trance as you looked up at him, as tears rolled down your face.

 

His eyes that stared at you lovingly, carefully, his gentle grip on your cheek, as he held you close with his other arm.

 

You stared into his eyes, desperate to find that look your father had.

 

The sadness, the darkness, the absence of love.

 

He didn’t have that look.

 

Far from it.

 

You were so unsure, so cautious.

 

So…

 

“I’m scared.” You mumbled with a pathetic smile, your hands falling from Jaehyun and to your sides, your hands balled into tight fists.

 

Jaehyun bit his bottom lip, eyes roaming from your own, and down towards your lips.

 

He smiled, laughing dryly before nodding his head.

 

“Yeah… me too.”

 

Your face had softened, your tears stopped, and that pathetic smile you had painted, soon curved into one of joy.

 

Relief.

 

Love.

 

Your eyes fluttered closed, you felt his breath tickle against your skin, his lips that ghosted over yours, your stomach churned, littered with the butterflies that were swarming your stomach.

 

His hand that rested on your waist, pulling you close, and soon enough, the little gap was closed.

 

His lips felt warm and soft against yours, dancing in unison as he held your face gently.

 

Kissing him had felt like a billion fireworks went off, your heart had skyrocketed, and for once, everything that you thought was bad about love, all thrown away.

 

Your hands snaked up around his neck, the hand he had against your cheek falling to the one wrapped around your waist, embracing you, and remained his lips against yours.

 

It was passionate, yet slow.

 

Warm, and comforting.

 

It made your heart soar.

 

You broke the kiss, your faces remained close to each others as you stared deeply into his eyes. Jaehyun smiled, and for once, you didn’t feel scared anymore.

 

You sighed deeply and rested your foreheads against each other, hands falling down to meet his own, intertwining your fingers with his as you stayed like that in the silence.

 

Standing in the middle of an empty street on a cold winter night, listening to the wind rustle around you, and your soft, gentle breaths.

 

When you moved away to look at Jaehyun more clearly, his smile was just as affectionate as ever, enough for you to smile just as wide.

 

At that moment, you watched a tiny flake of white fall onto his shoulder, and with a raised brow, the two of you looked up at the star-filled sky, and watched as the first snowfall had begin to decorate the scene.

You listened to his laugh, earning a chuckle from you as well, you curled your lips and tasted the sweet milk and honey taste that stained Jaehyun’s lips to your own.

 

“You know…” Jaehyun started as you looked back down at him with a hum.

 

“You’d expect to see this kind of stuff in the movies.” He finished, and you laughed, nodding your head. “This does look a bit cheesy.” You said with a smile, staring into the stars trapped in Jaehyun’s eyes, you felt euphoric in his grasp, and enchanted in his stare.

It was silent for a moment, and you two stood there, staring into each other.

 

His smile soon dropped, but the passion never ceased to die away from his eyes, as his grasp around your waist tightened.

 

You stared into those eyes of his, and found something new ignite in them.

 

You watched the sense of need, and the sense of want that filled his piercing gaze.

 

One in which you didn’t dare to break.

 

“Y/N…” He whispered huskily into your ear, earning shivers to run down your spine, and goosebumps to rise.

 

You swallowed the lump that formed on your throat, feeling your face instantly burn up, he could only snicker at your reaction.

 

“Jaehyun…” You whispered back, watching his face inch closer towards yours, feeling the familiar, violent pounds of your heart as his lips ghosted over yours.

 

“Be mine…” He whispered, his breath pushing against your lips, itching to just touch them, to close that gap and take him as yours.

 

“Okay.” You replied gently, your eyes shut close, expecting to meet his lips, but instead, listened to a door slam wide open, and a group of twenty-something year old men screaming like fourteen year old fangirls.

 

Your eyes snapped wide open, but you didn’t dare look to meet the teasing stares of the boys burning at the two of you.

 

Instead, you buried your head in Jaehyun’s chest, tucking your arms around his waist, under his coat in attempts to hide yourself even further.

 

You felt the vibrations of Jaehyun’s laugh against you as he brought a hand to hug you gently with both arms. “So much for privacy, huh?” Jaehyun asked, yet you could hear the annoyance buried in his chuckles.

“You’re literally standing practically in the middle of the damn street, you should be the last person to talk about ‘privacy’!” You heard Ten shout, and soon, heard the endless footsteps of the boys nearing the two of you.

 

You groaned, removing yourself from Jaehyun as you glared over at the boys, who could only smile innocently at you.

 

“Were you guys watching?!” You shouted, your face burning hot, enough for you to forget about the piercing winter breeze that blew against you.

 

“At first we weren’t, but I eventually found out that you left so I checked through the window if you were still here and…” Johnny stepped towards the front and shrugged innocently.

You sighed, face palming, then turning back to Jaehyun who watched you with wide, confused eyes. You opened your mouth to speak, but you didn’t know what to say anymore.

 

Instead, you turned back to the boys and nodded in defeat.

 

“Alright, whatever. Let’s just go inside now before we get fucking frostbite or something.” You crossed your arms, glaring at the boys as they nodded their heads with a snicker and all went back inside Johnny’s house.

You sighed in content, walking towards the door, only to be stopped by a gentle grip that wrapped around your wrist, pulling you to them as you crashed against their chest.

 

You couldn’t help but giggle, knowing all too well who it was before you could even look into their eyes.

 

Once you did however, you smiled to see Jaehyun stare down at you with those eyes you found so hypnotized by.

 

“So…” He said, his hand moving from your wrist, to your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours. “So?” You asked, tilting your head in a hum.

“Date me?” He asked with a wide grin plastered onto his thin lips.

 

You averted your eyes away from him, as if you were stuck in thought, but when you felt his grip on your hand tighten, you laughed and pressed a quick peck on his lips.

“Sure.” You said with glee, watching as Jaehyun hummed happily, leaning towards you for another kiss, but you were quick and placed your hand in between the two of you.

 

“We should go inside before they try to make fun of us again…” You said, shy at first, but with a mischievous grin, you left quickly, heading inside before Jaehyun could speak.

 

The rest of the night seemed to go by smoothly, and for once, you didn’t feel scared of anything anymore. That crushing weight pushing down on your chest, suddenly lifted, and finally, you felt like you could actually breathe.

 

You weren’t suffocating in fear and darkness.

 

Instead, you breathed in the fresh air that came with him.

 

Drank the warm milk and honey that dripped from his soft, sweet lips.

 

All that bitterness, wiped away, and filled with nothing but the sweet.

 

Finally, you felt at peace. As you continued to watch movies, the boys decided to think it’d be a good idea to have some beer while watching.

 

Soon movies had then turned to a sudden party amongst the drunks.

 

You decided to sit down, and just watch all the chaos unfold in front of you.

 

Luckily, you weren’t by yourself.

 

Jaehyun sat right next to you, his arm wrapped around your shoulder, and his hand interlocked with yours. You both leaned against the seat, your head pressed against his chest, you closed your eyes and despite all the endless shouting, you wished you could stay like this forever.

 

It was when you heard the boys screaming in laughter, you opened your eyes to see that they were starting to play strip poker.

 

You rolled your eyes, deciding you had enough, and it seemed it wasn’t just you with that thought. Jaehyun got up, placing himself in front of you and offered you his hand.

 

“Let’s get out of here before things get worse?” He said with a playful grin.

 

You looked up at him, breathing out a laugh and took his hand. “I think that’s the best idea anyone has had today.” You took his hand, standing by his side and intertwined your fingers in his, taking in the warmth with a gentle smile.

You both tiptoed your way out the door, you taking one last glance at the boys as Ten took the vodka bottle and attempted to chug it, only to spit it all out right away.

 

You rolled your eyes and grimaced, feeling a tug from Jaehyun’s hand, your grimace then turned to a smile as you rushed out the door, shutting it right behind you.

 

Staring at the door in front of you, listening to the muffled shouts, you sighed in what felt like content. Relief. As if everything was finally going right in a world that you felt was full of wrongs.

When you turned around, you were instantly met with a pair of lips pressing softly against your own, earning a short gasp from you in response.

 

Eventually, you fell quick into the kiss, wrapping your arms around Jaehyun’s neck, as you could feel him smile in the kiss. It made your heart flutter.

 

You broke the kiss, resting your foreheads against each other, as your hands slid down from his neck, then resting against his chest.

 

You stood there in silence, listening to the wind that blew against your skin.

 

When you pulled away from Jaehyun, you stared into his eyes, and for a second, you were sure of it that you could find a thousand stars trapped in them.

You felt as if you were floating in his embrace, his hands that held your waist delicately, you never wanted him to let go. “Mine. All mine.” You heard him whisper, as he stared down at your lips.

 

Your face had instantly flushed, flashing him a drunken smile, intoxicated by everything that was him.

 

_Mine_.

 

Yeah.

 

That’s what you were.

 

That’s all you ever wanted to be, from the moment you first laid eyes on him.

 

To be his.

 

Only his.

 

You had felt free, and Jaehyun had saw, and with that freedom, he granted you endless adventure with just one take of his hand.

 

You hit his chest, giggling under your breath as you averted your eyes away from him, fearing that your heart will give up entirely if you looked into those eyes of his.

 

“So… what should we do, now that we escaped from them?” You said, tugging onto Jaehyun’s coat, pulling him closer to you with a mischievous grin.

 

At that moment, you hadn’t realize what you were doing.

 

Where this sudden confidence had come from.

 

Were you going too fast?

 

Were you giving him the wrong idea?

 

No.

 

You didn’t know what to do anymore, really.

 

Having him here, like this, it made you think in that short moment of silence.

 

You had thought back to the empty expressions when boys from your highschool would hold your hand. The dull feeling in your heart when they pressed their lips against you.

 

You felt numb from it.

 

How you’d feel nothing when they looked at you as if you were their everything.

 

You were so empty, so numb from it all.

 

You had pretended that you were happy, just so you can feel something, but the only emotion that bubbled in your heart from your highschool days, were fear.

 

Pain.

 

You only did it, so they can all stop talking.

 

So they can all stop thinking that they can read you like an open book.

 

It’s what pushed your fear, and what pushed you to stop trying anymore, to shut away that part of your life.

 

You didn’t want to feel that numbness anymore.

 

You didn’t want to feel fear suffocating you to the point where you wished to just end it all.

 

You didn’t want to risk putting real emotion, because you didn’t want to end up like your parents. You didn’t want them to leave you, like how your mother left your father.

 

Or perhaps… you leaving them.

 

Your hands fell from Jaehyun’s coat, your smile faltering as your brows furrowed.

 

Were you making the right decision?

 

Should you have listened to your heart?

 

What if it’s all some trick?

 

What if he will hurt you?

 

No, he can’t.

 

He won’t.

 

Jaehyun isn’t like that… but are you?

 

“You okay…?” Jaehyun’s whisper had snapped you back, and when you felt his hand cup your cheek, your eyes widened as your head snapped in his direction.

The coldness that crept in your heart, gone, and filled with the warmth of his touch.

 

You didn’t know what to expect from this new door you had allowed yourself to have gone through.

 

Were you scared?

 

Absolutely petrified.

 

Did you want to back down?

 

A little.

 

So, when you looked deep into his eyes, eyes trailing down to that smile of his, decorated with dimples you fell in love with, despite that fear, and despite those doubts that filled your mind, you had felt at ease.

You wanted to take the risks.

 

If it meant being with him, and that was something you could no longer deny anymore.

 

You just wanted him.

 

Jaehyun.

 

You hadn’t realize how fast your heart was beating until you rose your hands back towards his coat, and without second thought, pulled Jaehyun and crashed your lips with his.

You weren’t sure what to think anymore, but for the first time in your life, you had decided to listen to your heart, rather than your brain for once.

 

And in your heart, was Jaehyun.

 

You kissed him with passion, eagerness, and a sense of need.

 

Despite the flames that ignited in your heart, the heat that radiated throughout your body, it was still chaste.

 

Soft.

 

Patient, in a strange way.

 

He was nothing like those boys with faces you can hardly remember.

 

You didn’t feel empty when you looked into his eyes full of so much passion, so much… determination.

 

You no longer felt scared.

 

Instead, you felt as if you were flying.

 

You felt… euphoric.

 

Everything had seemed unreal.

 

As if everything was pulled from a dream.

 

A dream you didn’t want to wake up from.

 

A dream you wish you can live in forever.

 

Your hands roamed towards his neck, reaching over for his hair as you tugged ever so slightly, earning a small groan from Jaehyun, he was quick to pull away.

 

You looked at him, flushed and embarrassed, maybe you were too quick.

 

“I-I… sorry.” You cleared your throat, faking a quick smile and looked away, unsure what to do, what to say. You didn’t want to look at Jaehyun, despite feeling his burning stare at you.

 

“Don’t be.” His response earned you to look at him, shocked. Stunned.

 

He smiled, but this time, it didn’t seem like the usual, friendly smile that made your heart soar. Instead, it was the type of smile filled with mischief, one that was up to no good, and it made your adrenaline run.

“But maybe we shouldn’t be doing this right in front of Johnny’s house. They can still walk in on us, y’know.” Jaehyun said with a wriggle of his brows.

 

Your eyes widened, and when you turned your head, had realized that you guys seemed to have gone absolutely nowhere, as you can still hear the muffled shouts of the boys over the door.

You cursed under your breath, but when you heard Jaehyun’s short chuckles, had laughed alongside with him.

 

“Where to then?” You said with a tilt in your head, keeping your hands wrapped around Jaehyun, and his arms wrapped around you.

 

“I say we get in my car, drive around for a bit, and see what leads up from there.” He said with a wink, and you chuckled, nodding your head and pressed a quick kiss to his lips.

“Sounds good.” You said, and reached for his hand. His car wasn’t far from Johnny’s house, and soon, his Mustang had then come into sight.

 

Jaehyun quickly removed his hand from yours, jogging towards his car, and opened the door to the passengers side.

 

“Your carriage, princess.” He said with a snort. You smiled widely, and decided to quickly play into the scene. You curtsied, nodding your head when you looked back up at him.

“Why thank you good sir.” You said with a fake British accent, and climbed inside the car.

 

Jaehyun quickly adjusted himself in the driver’s seat, and as you placed your phone in the aux cord as the usual routine, you both had went off into the night, driving into whatever adventure lies for you.

To whatever journey waited for you, and this time, you were ready.


	6. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The taste of a new world just sitting on the tip of your tongue. He looks at you with a wanderlust gaze, and instantly you wanted nothing more than to drink that look in, and share it with him. A new life is waiting for you, but new conflict begins to sprout, all with a man who you respected so much, all to come crashing down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a lil double update for you guys as a way for me to say sorry :( but I hope you all enjoy this chapter as well! So far, it is one of my favorites if I do say so myself hehehe. Fair warning though, this chapter does include SLIGHT sexual content. Along with that note, keep in mind that I am NOT a smut writer, but if it fits with the storyline, will write a "smut-like" chapter if that makes sense, but in a more romantic way, that way it's more enjoyable for you all and to be able to see Y/N's emotions better throughout it all. There may or may not be more scenes like these in future chapters... don't quote me but yeah, happy reading everyone! xoxo bambi

You drove off into the night; you followed the stars as the moonlit sky illuminated the empty streets. Down to wherever your wanderlust-filled hearts desired, and with his hand that rested in yours, it felt like you could conquer the world.

 

Nothing could come between the two of you, and for that, you felt at peace.

 

The windows rolled down, and the music humming against your ears, you rested your elbow against the car door, your chin falling into your palm.

 

You listened to the music, then the wind.

 

Everything sounded so perfect.

 

His voice that’d echo here and then, whispering sweet nothings to you, it felt harmonic.

 

The car had come to a stop in front of a hill. Jaehyun removed his seatbelt and leaned into you, taking in your lips in his, savoring his sweet taste.

 

Your hands that held onto his neck, pulling him closer enough for him to lean more than halfway towards you.

 

He kissed you as if it were the last thing left in the world, pulling you by your waist, tugging you enough as you moved from your seat into his, straddling his lap.

 

You felt him smile between each kiss. They lingered from your lips, trailing down to your neck, Jaehyun took in every piece of you.

 

Studying each part of your body.

 

His fingertips that grazed your skin, skimming over your body like one would to a book.

 

Each line of a beautiful word in a book filled with passion, pressed in a sweet, chaste kiss.

 

You moved to the back of the car, the music still playing in the background and the windows rolled back up, yet it all seemed like white noise.

 

Your clothes scattered on the floor, his skin pressed against yours, his hand that fit perfectly as your fingers intertwined with his. How his body seemed perfectly made to fit with yours.

 

A missing piece of the puzzle, found.

 

Each word he whispered in your ear as he rolled delicately into you, sweet like the milk and honey taste that lingered in his lips.

 

He took you in, touching you, reading you.

 

Taking everything in down to memory, he wanted nothing more than to recite everything about you.

 

To memorize each piece of you, till it burned in the back of his mind.

 

How he longed to read you, over, over, and over.

 

Jaehyun could never get enough of you, and you to him. Each touch pressed against your body, a new redefining phrase, your lips that whispered his name, how he wanted you to say nothing else except his name.

 

You were poetry, and Jaehyun wanted nothing more than to recite you with every breath he took, and every beat of his bold heart.

 

Every ounce of pain you felt in your life, pouring out and exchanged for love with his heart he gave so willingly to you.

 

You didn’t want to run.

 

You didn’t want to hide.

 

You wanted to be here, with him. 

 

Jaehyun.

 

That was all you could see, and that was all you ever wanted to remember.

 

To forget about the pain that turned to numbness, and to forget about everything bad in the world, because with Jaehyun—nothing could be so bad.

 

All you could see, and all you wanted to remember was this.

 

Him.

 

To Jaehyun’s beautiful eyes that’d shine just as bright as the stars above you as he watched your every movement. His smile, bright enough for the sun to envy, especially with those dimples of his.

 

The sweat that’d trickle down his chest, his body looked as if the moon kissed it itself. The windows of the car steaming up, hiding the two of you away from the world.

 

You looked at him as if he were this God, and how he’d look at you, as if you were his Goddess. Together, the two of you had ruled the world. A world where the only thing that ever existed were you two.

 

With the weight lifting away, and in your hands no longer remained a broken heart, but instead one that was all patched up. The scars were there, but as long as he was there, you were more than willing to ignore them.

 

You felt safe, and you felt secure. Your heart had soared, and with that, you both had stayed there. Lying in the back of the car with nothing more but a thin blanket covering your naked bodies and listened to the sweet music and the winds of the midnight air.

 

There, until sleep had lulled you into euphoric thoughts and beautiful dreams.

 

When your eyes opened, the music was off, and the birds had sung their morning tunes. The cicadas echoing loudly past the car windows as nature played its beautiful symphony.

 

You turned, and your arm had bumped into something. When you looked to see what it was, you were quick to smile, and felt Jaehyun’s arm wrapped around your waist lazily as he snored soundly.

 

You watched his chest heave up and down, the peace that took over his face, you brought a hand towards him, itching to touch him as you stared.

 

His skin tinted a gorgeous golden tan by the sunlight, bright enough for you to notice the tiny freckles that scattered his face. You moved your hand away, deciding it best not to touch and to let him sleep.

 

A hand quickly reached for your wrist before it could even fall. You gasped shortly, looking over at Jaehyun, and watched his eyes flutter open.

 

How in the light, the dark brown turned honey, you felt star-struck at the sight. Instantly, you wanted to drown in that sweet honey brown color of his eyes.

 

His thin lips curving to a smile and his dimples popping, Jaehyun pulled you close, resting his chin above your head after placing a short kiss against it.

 

“Good morning beautiful.” He said, voice husky and groggy from just waking up, and set something to ignite in you.

 

“Morning.” You whispered back, resting the hand he had let go on his bare chest, tracing short shapes onto it.

 

“Last night was… fun. First time doing  _it_  in a car y’know.” Your face instantly flushed at his words, taking back to what he meant, and that was when you realized the entire situation that unfolded before you.

 

Quickly, you shot up from where you rested, grabbing the blanket enough to cover yourself up with a sharp gasp breathing through your lips.

 

You looked around through the windows, relieved to see that the area still seemed just as abandoned as it did last night, and reached out for your phone that rested on the passenger’s seat.

 

“Shit. Shit, shit shit!” You muttered, raking your fingers through your tangled hair. Jaehyun furrowed his brows as he sat upright next to you, his lips pressed against your bare back and pressed tiny kisses onto it.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asked, but still found himself lost in the world you two had created, unlike you, who forced yourself back into reality, rather than the dream you deeply wished to still be in.

 

“It’s about to be 2, I-I gotta get home Jaehyun!” You explained, eyes wide and reached for your clothes that scattered in the backseat floor.

 

You listened to Jaehyun groan as you slipped into your undergarments, with him reaching for the straps of your bra and sliding them back down, kissing your back like he was earlier.

 

“I woke up just now though… five more minutes?” You turned around to face him, and he stared directly at you. You scoffed as you were met with those damn eyes of his, and that damn expression.

 

You shook your head and put on your shirt and climbed towards the passenger’s seat. “Don’t give me those fucking puppy dog eyes, I won’t fall for it!” You shouted stubbornly, but shrieked as a pair of hands snaked around your waist, pulling you back towards the back as he peppered you in kisses.

 

You couldn’t help the fit of laughter you fell in as you attempted to push Jaehyun away. He remained stubborn, and it was when he reached your lips, went from playful to passionate in a matter of seconds.

 

You melted into the kiss, at first what started as mischievous that turned lustful, you wrapped your arms around him, running your fingers through his hair.

 

His kisses traveled from your lips, to your collarbone, and when he found that spot that made you weak, you groaned and pushed him away.

 

“Come on, don’t do this! It’s not fair!” You whimpered, shaking your head as Jaehyun pressed a short kiss to your lips. “Fine.” He groaned, jutting out his lip, and you smiled gently. 

 

“You know what…” You mumbled, reaching back for your phone and seeing it was empty of notifications.

 

Your smile turned to a smirk, when you looked back at a curious Jaehyun, threw your phone to a place you’d worry about later.

 

“Fuck it, five more minutes won’t kill anyone.” With that, you pushed Jaehyun back down on the seats, and repeated last nights’ events.

 

The drive back was filled in comfortable silence. You and Jaehyun would sing along to whatever song would come up now and then, and would fall in a fit of laughter whenever someone messed up.

 

You even surprised him completely when a rap song came up, and you could complete every verse without falter, surprising yourself along the process.

 

With the sunlight bathing over your bodies, windows rolled back down and the wind rushing through your already-messy hair.

 

You took a deep breath in, staring at the vacant fields slowly turn to crowded buildings. You turned to face Jaehyun, immersed in driving, one hand resting peacefully onto your thigh.

 

“So…” You had spoken up, turning down the volume of the booming music. “Hm?” Jaehyun hummed in response. “How did you find that place, anyway?” You asked, looking at him as Jaehyun’s lips curved into a sweet smile.

 

“When I moved here, I didn’t really ‘fit in’ with most crowds, so I spent most of my time driving to wherever the fuck the wind took me and… I guess I found my way there.” He explained, watching a spark filled with adventure fill his eyes. It had set your adrenaline to pump all over again, wanting to taste that same adventure he ventured to.

 

“You really seem the reckless type, aren’t you?” You had asked with a smug grin, in which he could only respond with that exact expression.

 

“You’ll never get bored babe. I can assure you that.” He said just in time of a red light, turning to face you and flashed a quick wink. You scoffed in response, but smiled. “I’m counting on it.”

 

You got home, pressing a quick kiss to Jaehyun’s lips before parting ways. You entered the eerily quiet home, and everything was there right where you left it.

 

Your father sprawled on the couch, dozing off in his work uniform, one beer bottle placed on the floor, and snoring a fit.

 

Relief washed over you, slowly tiptoeing your way towards your room, whispering to yourself repeatedly, “Don’t wake up, don’t wake up, please don’t wake up.”

 

But not everything could go your way.

 

“Y/N? Where the hell have you been?! Do you have any idea how worried sick I was?!” Your father shot up from where he lied, shouting your ear off as you heaved a sigh and nodded your head, accepting the scoldings.

 

When that was done and over with, you had got just a slap on the wrist, walking back to your room, you made your way towards your mattress, and fell into its softness.

 

You shut your eyes, fingers fumbling with the silky sheets below you, thinking back to everything that happened. How light replaced darkness. A mess that was your heart fixed and tended to, all by one person.

 

One muse.

 

You smiled, as the memories flashed through your head. Each touch still lingering even after hours of it happening. You wanted to remember it all.

 

His lips that’d press against yours, soft and smooth, supple and sweet, you grew addicted from his candied lips.

 

Pulling him in a gentle embrace, breathing him in, and how he had always smelled like vintage bookstores and warm cafe’s.

 

His skin that felt so soft as your hands would roam every inch of his body. Jaehyun was perfect in your eyes, and you were perfect in his, no matter how hard you’d try to deny.

 

Every day spent with him felt like something pulled from a novel. Each page filled with newfound suspense, a new adventure through every chapter, falling deeper in love with him, you never wanted this story to end.

 

Days turned to weeks, then soon turning to months, each day spent with Jaehyun.

 

Finally, you were beginning to taste adulthood, no longer bearing the same mind the teenage you had carried, you were more mature. More aware.

 

Fear no longer drove your decisions, and darkness no longer took control of your heart. Instead, your days had filled with warmth and love, and that love had Jaehyun’s smile written into it.

 

Your relationship had grown stronger overtime, hanging out more often than what people would consider normal, but you didn’t care. The world wasn’t ever considered to be normal, anyway.

 

Your father was quick to find out about your relationship with him, and thankfully, he was quick to accept him into the family. Sure it was small, and broken, but Jaehyun didn’t care, and made himself home right away.

 

Everything filled with light, you remember that wash of relief, to see the shadows no longer chasing after you, begging you to come back into the dark.

 

Your memories filled with regret, hated, and fear, wiped away with joy, love, and courage.

 

You had felt anew, and everyone around you had noticed. You didn’t hide in a shell, and a newfound confidence was born into you. You took more risks, all with a wide grin and a contagious laugh.

 

Everything felt right with the world.

 

It was nearing midnight, and you were staring up at the blank ceiling, can’t seeming to rid your thoughts enough to sleep. You toss and turn, yet it all seemed pointless, so you reached for your phone and scrolled through your social media.

 

Curling your lips in a line, you groaned as you sat up, looking around the mess of your room, and an idea had sprout into your head. With a grin, you tossed yourself right out of bed, slipping into a thick coat to keep you warm from the harsh winter night.

 

Sneaking down the stairs where your father had fallen asleep on the couch—as per usual—you had noticed a piece of paper hanging from his outstretched hand.

 

Your brows furrowed, and your plans were quick to come at a stop and the sight.

You walk towards your father, holding in your breath in fear of waking him up, despite knowing all too well what a heavy sleeper he was; you remained cautious.

 

Tiptoeing closer, you slipped the paper away from his hands, stepping away and stared at the colored sheet.

 

Your eyes and widened, and your heart had dropped, you read the words etched in thick, bold ink.

 

“A pink slip…? Dad, you got fired from your job?” You whispered, aware that he couldn’t hear your question, as if it were more to yourself as you stared at him in disbelief.

 

It left you confused, setting the paper down as you examined your father. He was a hardworking man. He always uses all of his blood, sweat, and tears to make sure he was doing his job.

 

A part of you didn’t want to believe this, knowing how much of a fighter your dad was. Surely they’d have a good reason for firing him… right?

 

You shook your head, raking your fingers through your hair and stumbled towards the kitchen to grab a drink of water to ease your troubled mind.

 

You opened the fridge, groaning at the sudden fluorescent light that had greeted you abruptly, it was when your heart had dropped.

 

Beer bottles scattered every inch of the fridge, not a single hint of any other liquid—or even food for that matter—found.

 

College had been piling up on you, most of your meals being spent over at Jaehyun’s, as Taeyong was always more than happy to cook for just the two of them. You hadn’t ever really eaten at home. Never eaten a single meal with your father ever since you graduated high school and entered college.

 

Your father was always so busy with work anyway, so you never saw him until he’d come home late at night, and fall into the same spot in the same couch like every other night.

 

You never really had the chance to make sure if your father was eating well or not.

 

Your chest felt heavy, and rather than sorrow, you had felt anger.

 

Betrayal.

 

All this time, you had thought your father was finally breaking out of his habit. That he would finally create a new man in himself, just as you had with your own self.

 

You remember the joy that spread throughout your heart in seeing your sober father act like the man he used to be before your mother had left.

 

But now… now it all seemed like it was nothing more but a facade.

 

A fake.

 

Acting.

 

That’s what it was.

 

Everything was a lie.

 

Your breath grew shaky, your teeth clenching tightly, you shut the fridge and walked back towards the front door. Taking the car keys in one single swoop from the coffee table, you glared at your father.

 

All this time, the man who you had respected the most… can barely respect himself.

 

Without a second thought, you walked right out the door.

 

Driving in the empty streets, the only sound filling your ears were the engine of your car running as you drove. Your mind still clouded in those thoughts, you parked in front of a familiar apartment complex, staring up at the tall building with a blank, deadpan expression.

 

You wanted something to numb this pain. To numb everything, and to take you away from the real world.

 

You watched the numbers rise as you stood in the elevator, shoving your cold hands in the pockets of your coat.

 

The door opened, and you listened to your heels click louder and louder the closer you got to that certain room. You arrived, and brought a hand up towards the door, yet it remained still.

 

You didn’t dare knock. Maybe you should turn back, try to forget everything that happened tonight. You were making a mistake, and you shouldn’t bring other people into something so personal to you.

 

But that feeling remained. That sense of  _want_ , filling your aching heart. The sense of  _need_. To have all of this be numbed away, and for you to focus on it for another time.

 

You knocked on the door, and after a short moment, it swung open, and a half-awake Jaehyun greeted you. “Y/N? What are you doing here…?” He croaked, ruffling his messy hair. Your throat went dry and a bittersweet smile was drawn onto your lips.

 

“I just… wanted to see you.” The words had escaped your lips as if automatically, but when his eyes searched up and found yours, you were quick to avert his gaze.

 

You didn’t feel brave enough to look into them, because deep down, if you did, you knew everything would just come spilling out, and tell him everything that happened in such a short amount of time.

 

“O-Oh, well you should’ve texted me ahead of time babe, I would’ve stayed awake.” Jaehyun said as he smiled sweetly.

 

You felt guilty and continued to stare down at your shoes. “I-I know. Sorry.” You whispered. Jaehyun shook his head, taking a step towards you and pulled you in a warm embrace.

 

“Don’t be. I don’t mind unexpected visits if it’s from you.” He said, and as much as your heart wished to flutter, you had choked down on the butterflies that wished to roam.

 

“It’s cold out here, let’s get inside and I can make us something warm to drink, yeah?” He said, leading you inside as you nodded your head and laughed dryly.

 

He sat you down on the couch as you stared at the blank TV. The lights flickered on, and you could hear Jaehyun pour water into some mugs, then the sound of the microwave as he sorted through some boxes.

 

“Jasmine tea like the usual babe?” He asked, peeking his head towards you as you nodded at him. He smiled again and disappeared back into the kitchen.

 

Now that you think of it, you weren’t really lying when you said you wanted to see him. You’ve both been busy with your studies, you hardly had the time to see each other, but now it was winter break, and you wanted nothing more than to spend it with him.

 

Guess tonight was just a bad night to start because now—now you wanted to go home and curl up in the comfort of your warm bed.

 

You didn’t want to put all this pressure onto Jaehyun. It was none of his business to know, and you didn’t want to use him as some kind of toy you can use to distract yourself with. You weren’t like that, and you couldn’t dare allow yourself to use him like that.

 

“So…” You cleared your throat in attempts to distract your thoughts away from your home life.

 

“How’re your classes going?” You asked, watching Jaehyun walk towards you with two steaming mugs in hand. “Stressful, but hey, school is school. How about you? How’s business going for you?” He asked as he handed you a cup, in which you took graciously and took a long sip.

 

“It’s… well it’s okay. I suppose.” You said, your grip on your mug tightening, you stared at your dismorphed reflection through the liquid that sloshed in your cup.

 

It wasn’t something you were passionate about. Hell, it wasn’t even something you’d ever dream of doing, but you did it, because you believed that it’d help you and your father out from the hellhole place you both live in.

 

You wanted to create a better life for yourself, but for him especially.

 

To live happily without having to stress so much about work, just so you guys can continue to live where you live today. To think, all this time you had lived so selflessly, did every single thing for him, yet this is what he chose.

 

Nothing more but bitter liquor and endless sleep.

 

In another life maybe, you would’ve chosen something else.

 

Art.

 

You had thought back to that painting of Jaehyun from months ago, moments after confessing to him.

 

How even after months of being with him, he remained your muse. It was your little secret, and for the moment, you had no intentions of telling anyone, but you were happy to have him.

 

“You suppose? C’mon Y/N, where’s my spunky girl at? Usually you’d have something to say about it!” Jaehyun said as he brushed your shoulder with his. You smiled gently, shaking your head and took another sip before placing your mug down on the coffee table before you.

 

“How about you? Is the dream of becoming a ‘lawyer’ still there for you?” You asked with a grin, turning your body so that you were facing him.

 

It was with those words; you watched the smile that plastered Jaehyun’s lips, soon fall. He sighed, but before you could comment, his smile returned, only this time, it seemed more… empty.

 

Sad, maybe.

 

“Actually… I’m not sure what I want anymore.” He admitted, and your brows furrowed, scooting closer to him as your leg had rested just slightly on top of his.

“What do you mean?” You asked cautiously, and with that, Jaehyun had let out a short laugh, one in which you were all too aware, was fake.

 

“Actually… the entire reason I came here in the first place was to go to college and study just that. I never asked to come here, nor did I ever ask to become a lawyer. It was just something that was forced onto me.” He explained, and you listened with a pained heart.

 

“Don‘t get me wrong! I’m glad I came here. If I didn’t, then I never would’ve met you! And who knows what kind of person I’d be now if that happened…” You smiled sadly at his words as Jaehyun turned to look at you, then bringing a hand to grasp onto yours, a gentle grip tugging onto your palm.

 

“If anything… you taught me something.” He started, staring down at your hands as you felt his thumb graze against the back of your hand delicately.

 

“You taught me to fight. To follow what my heart tells me, no matter how scared I can be. If I listen hard enough, maybe… just maybe—things can go my way.” He said, head tilting up, and he met your eyes that had been watching him carefully all this time.

 

You smiled faintly, and you hadn’t realized the tears that were threatening to spill until your vision became blurry with tears. Even without telling him a single thing, it was like he knew what you were feeling.

 

Every emotion that courses through him and pours onto you. It might as well feel like you two were the same person.

 

Two people, born into unfortunate families, who have to follow unfortunate destinies written out  _for_ them. All to please people who probably don’t even deserve it.

 

You loved your father dearly, but if this was the destiny he had written for himself, you could only do so much before you break in his place.

 

Even if this was the path you choose, even if you break  _for_ him—deep down, you knew he’d break right after.

 

You’d do anything for your father; to prove your mother wrong with those harsh words she threw at him when you were young, but for once, as you listened to Jaehyun’s words, you wanted to do something for yourself.

 

“No, Jaehyun… I think you’ve got it all wrong.” You said faintly, listening to Jaehyun’s confused hum as you brought your free hand up to cup his cheek.

 

“I think it was you who taught me strength.” You said, and tears had streamed down your cheeks. Jaehyun’s eyes widened at the sight, quick to wipe them away before they could dare crash onto the floor below.

 

He smiled and kissed your forehead delicately.

 

“I’m dropping out.” You heard him say, and your eyes shot wide open, and backed yourself away from him in surprise. “You’re… what? Why?” You asked in a moment of shock. Jaehyun sighed, nodding his head at your reaction and turned himself around to face the front.

 

“I don’t want to be my parents’ puppet anymore. I’m an adult now, and I should write out the destiny that I want. I-I know this might sound crazy, but I can do this. We, can do this! Our own little adventure! Run away from all of our troubles! What do you say, Y/N?” Your breath hitched at his words, meeting up his eyes that sparked with that familiar determination and enthusiasm that had been dull for a sparing second.

 

Every inch of your consciousness would say no. You’d still force yourself into this destiny that you had put yourself in, to better a man who can’t better himself.

 

You wanted to help your father; you didn’t want him to be alone, but how can you do all of that, when he can’t even help himself?

 

He knows all that you do for him, begs you to follow your passions. He’s the first light in your life, but now that light was dimming.

 

Despite him wanting you to follow your dreams, you still think about him. To better him, because if you better him, in a way—you’ll better yourself.

 

Why was that?

 

Even when fears get the best of you, you still think about others, rather than yourself. You sighed, and in your mind, apologized to your father, yet thanking him.

 

He only wants what is best for you, only wants you to be yourself. The only thing holding you back from all of it, is you. You looked at Jaehyun, your smile widening, you nodded.

 

“Okay. Let’s do it.” With that, he fell in a fit of short giggles and pressed tiny kisses all over your face.

 

You laughed, attempting to push him away enough to catch your breath, and that was when the reality of it all had hit you.

 

“W-Wait! So… how are we going to do this? What even is the first step?” You asked, and Jaehyun’s smile was quick to fall, pushing himself away from you and walked in circles, lost in thought.

 

You watched, head tilted in curiosity as you set your cup aside.

 

“I… well, I was thinking, actually…” Jaehyun said, and you hummed quietly, nodding your head when his eyes looked to meet up with yours.

 

“You know, Taeyong and I are best friends and all, but I’ve always wanted to live on my own. Make my own life with no help from the moment I moved to this place, and…” His voice wandered, and you stood up, reaching for Jaehyun’s hands and squeezed them gently in reassurance.

 

His mouth opened, yet no words came out. Lost in thought, his eyes wandering to everywhere else but you, your lips curled in a line, stubborn and curious.

 

You reached towards Jaehyun’s face with one hand, turning his face enough so he had no other choice but to look at you.

 

Jaehyun breathed out a dry, nervous laugh, nodding his head, you found the anxiety that burned deep in those eyes of his.

 

“I’ve been saving up, and I found this place. I-It’s not the best—in fact it’s quite shitty but—” Jaehyun rambled, but you knew well with what he was leading towards, and a bright grin was plastered onto your lips.

 

“Babe!” You shouted in attempts to snap him back, in which Jaehyun could only reply with another nervous chuckle.

 

“I want you to move in with me! A place, for the two of us! That way, we can see each other more without classes—or even  _life_  getting in the way! A place… so we can have somewhere to call our own little world, just for the two of us. What do you say?” Your eyes had welled up in tears at the thought.

 

Never in a million years did you ever even  _dream_  of ever moving to a place of your own so early in life, at least, not until you graduated college first, especially moving in with the person who showed you to love, and who showed you to not fear over everything.

 

You nodded your head once, twice, endlessly, and with a tiny shriek, wrapped your arms around Jaehyun and pulled him in a tight embrace, one in which he reciprocated as he twirled you around on the spot, and kissed your lips sweetly.

 

“I’m taking that as a yes?” He said, and you choked out a laugh and nodded your head.

 

“Yes. A million times, yes! Anywhere with you, I’ll be there.” You stated happily and kissed his lips once more.

 

A new life was being offered to you, and although you had many things to leave behind, this is what you wanted more than the entire world.

 

A fresh start.

 

A new you.

 

A world, in which you can lose yourself with no worries, because in that world, there’s Jaehyun, and that was all you needed to be okay. Not perfect, but just okay, because that was perfect for  _you_. 

 

“I like having you over and all Y/N, but can you guys keep the screaming to a minimum? It’s 2 in the fucking morning!” Taeyong had abruptly shouted down the hallway, as your eyes widened when you turned to Jaehyun, and quickly, the two of you had fallen in a fit of laughter.

 

Yeah, not perfect in the eyes of many, but to you, it was more than that.

 

This was definitely the life you wanted. Until the end.


End file.
